Coming on the End of March...

I really value education, knowledge, determination and self-discovery. Noone is perfect, and I certainly am not. I do, however, love to learn. I love being a university student and I find it very rewarding to be able to put the material I am learning into work in real life. The four courses that I am taking right now, I am able to apply to many real life situations. Human Anatomy and Physiology is a given, its much easier to learn new concepts when I can make associations with my own body systems. Communications: Children and the Media is a great course to apply for me, with my job with a 2 and 4 year old, loving children in general and eventually wanting to write my own children's books. Sociology of Familes has become very intriguing! From talking about the importance of self-esteem in dating, to love and marriage, I am positive that this course will open alot of doors on how to ensure I end up with not only the right man, but a positive, well-balanced relationship. My fourth course is Developmental Psychology. Facinating course for me. I am able to see a lot the girls in this course.

I find my ability to apply my education a really positive step in being a successful student in the future, a great mom and a great education facilitator. So then why is it, whenever I refer to anything I have learned to some people in my life do I get really negative responses. People roll their eyes, totally stop listening or become really defensive.

What is the point of me learning all of this knowledge is noone is ever going to take me seriously??? Im sure if I was a fourth year med student, everyone would want my opinion on things! I do not expect everyone to have the same thirst for psychology, behavior and children that I do. But I do want to surround myself with other people that share the interest in having intellectual conversations about a variety of different topics...including my studies and personal research. I find this important in friendships and any romantic relationship I might have.

And on the topic of romantic relationships...the new man that I have been seeing is still in my life and things are going very well. Im quite pleased with the connection we have. We had an amazing day on Sunday. Went for lunch, then to the conservation area with Shayde for a long walk in the forrest. It was so romantic. His digi wasnt working so we didnt get any photos...but we are going to make it a regular trip there (its relatively cheep) and tons of fun.
The last (almost) 2 months we have basically been hanging out at his place, relaxing and snuggling - and I proposed that we start getting out and doing more things, especially active things. Im trying very hard to be active for at least 20 mins a day everyday. Its relatively easy for 20 mins - so I should shoot for an hour. I should bring my rollarblades down and learn - unless I break my back learning :)

We are going to our first major outting at the end of April...and I couldnt be more thrilled. Its the annual fundraising dinner for my cousin, Dr Christine Gervais', charity - Acceso International. It will be a dressy occasion with a great dinner, entertainment and a silent auction. It is going to be very exciting!

I do hope to post more as my life gets more and more exciting!

Rest in Peace Tristan Pallen.

Wednesday afternoon, Tristan Pallen passed away while being operated on. Tristan is was a nine year old little boy that I worked with for just over a year while I lived at home. His grandmother and my Nanny were great friends and Colette lives two houses down from home. It was actually through the grandmothers that I received the interview for the Special Needs Contract. What a remarkable litte boy that Tristan was. Always eager to see me and really upset when I couldnt make our twice a week visits.

It was working with him that really opened my eyes to special education. It was through working with the support network that Tristan his family had, gave me hope for shaping the future of special education and that I could be a pivitol part of not only his development, but others too. I was his special needs worker. He had many specialists including: speech, occupational therapist (that worked on fine motor skills), physical therapist(gross motor skills), teacher, teaching assistant and many doctors. My role was to get instruction from the specialists and get Tristan to the goals they set for. From the minimal examples I was given in the beginning, I started developing my own ways that were geared along the same lines. I came up with games, activities, crafts and outside fun. That little boy definitly came into my life for a reason.

When Tristan was born he had a hole in his heart. His first open heart surgery was at 11 weeks. He was featured on CHEO Tiny Hearts back when I first started working with him. I believe in total he had 3 open heart and many other heart repair surgeries in his 9 young years of life. On Wednesday, he was having his ventricles dialated and one burst...I guess that was the end. Both of his parents are very strong people. Nicole just took everything in stride and devoted her life to Tristan and his surviving twin brother, Jared. Jared is Tristan's fraternal twin, with no medical issues. If he kept with pace from when I was there, he is above average in reading and math.

Although I hadn't seen Tristan in a while, I thought of him often, gave that job as a reference and missed working with him every day. I almost didnt move to Kingston because I wanted to stay working with him.

My heart, prayers and thoughts are with the Pallen family tonight, especially Jared. He is certainly in his best form now, free from the hospitals, tests and doctors. Free from the limitations that his illness brought him.

Level of Seriousness

After a short conversation with my Hunney...I came to a tough realization. Of course I know that life has changed since Nanny passed away back in December, I guess I just didnt fully realize how much of my life it affected.
In any relationship before this one...having a man meet my parents was of course a good step in the level of seriousness for me...but the be all and end all was meeting Nanny and Grandpa. I remember when Kirt and I were on our way to Lapasse for the first time together. I honestly think I was more nervous than him. Both Nanny and Grandpa were such good judge of character and both knew me so well and always knew what was good for me, whether I believed it at the time or not. :)
All of this came about because Hunney thinks meeting Mom is too soon right now. Its been a month since we met, and I guess started dating. It was obvious after the first date (that was almost 24 hours long) that we wanted to be with each other. :) :) :) He wouldnt actually be meeting Mom until the end of April at a charity function, but I needed to ask him now in order to get a ticket for him. I dont want to put a huge amount of pressure on him as that is not fair! I do think that if things continue going as well as they have been in the last month, three months would be rather appropriate.
Of course I love my Mom, hold her in very high regard and her opinion means the world to me! I almost feel guilty for Nanny and Grandpa being the be all and end all and not her and Dad. Maybe its because Mom is so nice and sweet that I dont know if she would tell me flat out if she did or didnt get a good feeling. I know Nanny would, she was the bearer of the truth, regardless of what it was! And with Grandpa, you could just tell with what he didn't say. Strong silent type.

So now, the be all and end all is gone. Who holds that power and opinion now?

Maybe I am ready to make that decision on my own now. Of course I know what I want in a man and in a relationship both now and in the future. Took a long time to learn this part of myself, but I know now, which is a great feeling!

I really wish Nanny and Grandpa could have sat in the front row of a church to watch me get married. I also wish that they could have lived to see their great grandchildren. More than anything. I know in a way they will see all of these great things that I hope are in my future, including graduation and having an exciting career in education. They wanted me to be happy, and in way I feel like they had so much faith in me and believed that I will.

I find it truly amazing that even my dating life has now changed. I guess now I just have to be confident in the values that they taught me in the last 25 years...
- never settle
- follow my dreams
- trust my intuition
- be self sufficent
- love with all of my heart
- never go to bed angry

Life certainly has changed and its amazing how much I miss Nanny and Grandpa. Pivitol people in my life are now gaurdian angels. I am truly blessed.

~A~

Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that you cannot control, that you cannot explain or figure out what the learning experience is supposed to be. This post is going to explain why I feel very resented for becoming busy.
When I moved to Kingston, I started working at one of the local call centers (Assurant Solutions). One of the worst jobs of my life let me tell you! But I met some nice people and became quite good friends with Justin. His girlfriend had a baby - Jacob - in June and they asked me to be Jacob's Godmother. Needless to say, I was thrilled! Jacob spent a lot of time with me and when needed, I was the babysitter. For quite some time, Jacob and I were spending 2 days a week together. Simply awesome!

A few days ago, Justin told me that he wanted child care receipts for every time I babysat. Never before had he mentioned this, and obviously, I wasnt keeping track. Had I known I was claiming this minimal income, I would have recorded every day and all expenses that I incurred to ensure that Jacob was being given the optimal care he deserves!
- I bought an exosaucer, brand new from a second hand store for less than half the price
- I was regularly buying formula so they didnt have to worry about sending theirs
- I bought other little toys for him to have here
Justin became outraged when I said I wasnt going to provide him with a receipt. Saying that I was screwing him over and didnt care and tried to convince me to write him a receipt and for me not to claim it. This clearly showed me that he didn't care if I was committing fraud - he wants as much money as he can get from the government. He claims he told me from the beginning he wanted receipts, but why would I disregard that? Why would I intentionally try to "screw" a friend. I also told him that IF he had told me this, I would have asked him to take deductions off my pay. Makes sense?
Immediately he brings up that I have totally disappointed him and his girlfriend (Andrea). He brought up that I hadnt seen Jacob in a while and that any of my excuses of school work, work, dating werent good enough. He also throws in my face that one day about a month ago, he asked me to babysit, I said yes and then had to cancel because I forgot I had an appointment that I couldnt cancel but couldnt take him to. Because of that one incident, I am totally unreliable.
I countered all of this with a very important issue that had been eating me up inside for a while. When Jacob was born and before they asked me to be his Godmother, Justin and I had an agreement that I would be their babysitter. Justin took paternity leave and Andrea went back to work, but when Justin went back to work, I would be the babysitter. After I got my current job, an obstacle arose with scheduling. My current schedule is ANYTHING but consistent. I get my schedule on a monthly basis. I totally understood that this posed a problem because Justin and Andrea's schedules are very consistent. Justin posed an idea about sharing the babysitting between me and a friend of theirs, who is a stay at home mom. I thought this to be perfect! I would take the days I could and she could have the rest! Then all of a sudden, Justin tells me that that isnt what is going to happen and that he found someone else to look after Jacob for $25 a day. The decision was based soley on money. My initial rate was $50 for a full day and $35 for a half day. Justin agreed to this rate from the very beginning.
I consider myself to be very understanding, giving and rational.
If at ANY time...Justin came to me and said..."you looking after Jacob is very important to us, but we are just having a hard time with the money" I would have dropped the rate to whatever they needed. If I could babysit him reglulary for free...I would.
I was heartbroken. Not only did they not consider my feelings but they also didnt approach me to see if I would lower my cost. It is very true that I dont have to agree with their decisions, that I just have to respect them...but I took this very personally. But I kept my mouth shut in hopes that they would change their minds.

Everything completely blew up between Justin and I. We aren't speaking anymore and I am assuming that I am no longer a Godmother. This is such a huge slash to my heart and soul. I am still very upset over this, despite the rationality that I dont think Justin or Andrea really cared about me. I feel totally used. I did a lot for them and for Jacob. I dont want recognition...I just need to reinforce how much that little boy meant to me. Justin totally thinks I'm lying because I let other things come before seeing Jacob on a regular basis.

I tried outlining the last three months of my life but he didnt see any of the reasons as viable.
- Nanny passed away on December 5th. I was in Kingston for at the most 8 days and saw Jacob twice. December 2005 will remain the hardest month of my life. Christmas was emotional and I needed to be with my mom and sister as much as possible. (according to Justin - didnt matter)
- In Janurary I started 4 upper year university courses. (according to Justin - school isnt as important)
- I was dating a man in Ottawa from for 2 months. December until mid/late January. (according to Justin - any free time should be with them and not spent driving to and from Ottawa)
- I worked 15 days straight in January. And I think in total I worked 26 out of 31 days for the Kims. (according to Justin - I dont understand sacrifice)
- I also made a committment to myself on Decemeber 31st. That a lot of things would change in 2006. For the last few years, I put a few family members needs before my own. I do NOT regret moving back home at all. I do not regret the time I lost in university to spend as much time with Nanny and help take care of her. I also do not regret the time I invested in my uncle Terry or the voice I gave the family when we (mainly my Mom and Nanny) needed it. Now, I truly and whole heartedly feel that I deserve to make myself a priority. That my need and desire for education and success is very important. I tried to explain this to Justin. And he told me that I would never be a good mother if I always put myself first.

How could anyone be so wrong about me?