Friday October 20, 2006

Knock Knock...is God there please! I know I havent prayed to you in a long while, but I do pray to my grandparents and just incase they are having too much fun up in there together, I just really wanted to know when you are going to stop testing my patience! But then again it might not be just ME that is being tested. Maybe our relationship is being tested since we have been talking about getting married.

Alright...the last 5 days certainly have been difficult to say the least. But I have done a lot of thinking and Im cutting stressful things out of my life until I can get a grasp on some things.

I have identified my stressful parts of life as:
- school
- juggling 2 jobs
- volunteer brownie leader
- issue Rodney and I are having with his son's mother
- family issues
- money
- Rodney's grandfather passed away Monday morning

1) The passing of Rodney's grandfather has been really tough. We couldnt afford to fly home and couldnt afford for even just Rodney to go. I felt absolutely helpless for him. He has been talking a lot more to his siblings, siblings-in-law and parents. Im really glad for that! Im positive that his parents visiting will be great for everyone! We (R and I) have also offered to make up a scrapbook for Nanny Hayman like I did for Papa and will be doing for Nanny (as soon as my mom will let go of the items I need) Im going to let Rodney do as much as he can. It can be really emotional but it might be good for him. And then we will take out to NL when we go in the summer. This is emotional stress that I can certainly deal with and help Rodney through.

2) Volunteer Brownie Leader. What an unbearable mess this has been. With my increase in hours...I have decided to give up unpaid work. It would be great expierence but I just cant handle all of this right now. I do have hard feelings about dropping the girls....but I have other priorities that need me right now. Ill still buy cookies and will get back into it when my future girls want to be Sparks. But until then...no thanks.

3) Looks like we are going to have to come up with some money and hire a lawyer. She has been playing hard ball for long enough and we are both sick of this. I really cant go into detail about the issues with Rodney's son. I really wish I could, just to be able to vent it all out. This is also stress that I fully except and know I can work with. As soon as we can get a court order on visitation and child support cap, things will be much better for us.
It really annoys me that nothing is good enough for this woman. So many women go through fighting their children's fathers to even pay 50 bucks a month. I have seen it many times. My mother's brother was one of them for a while. And my Aunt Linda is currently going through that with her retarted ex-husband. He is purposely working under the table and working for cash so he doesnt have to pay Linda anything. And then there is Rodney. According to just his pay alone, he should be paying 473 a month. He has been paying 500 a month for years - even when his income was much lower. He's been overpaying for years. Ontop of that, anytime she calls and asks for money for any reason (new winter coat, shoes, boots, she was short on money etc) Rodney would email transfer her the money. Most times he did this without hesitation. But if he ever thought that she was just looking for more money for no good reason and he questioned her...she used Justin as a weapon, saying that if he didnt, Rodney couldnt see him for the coming visitation. And she has been getting away with this because there is no legal agreement. Now she is demanding payments be upped to 600 because an 8 year old boy now eats an extra hundred dollars worth of food a month. Might I add that Justin doesnt participate in anything expensive like hockey. Enough rating...Im sure Ill be given a hard time for what I already am saying.

4) Juggling two jobs. Currently working at the clothing store is going to post a lot of issues with the Ontario March of Dimes. March of Dimes means working at the most every other weekend, but my boss is pushing for one weekend a month and then when holidays come along we will work every other to cover that. Which is totally fine with me. The clothing store will certainly put me in for every other weekend with them. There goes all off time with Rodney. No thanks. I will have two jobs though. Im currently in the process of being certified to teach the babysitting course. This is a one day course to teach and they are hoping to give me one a month. I can handle one Sat a month to gain more teaching experience. (13 bucks an hour for this one too!) So Ill be letting the clothing store go within the next week. I was hoping to use my discount a little more before I quit...but I dont think that is going to happen. My first pay isnt until the 5th of November. I really dont wanna screw them over, even though it would be very easy but they have been very good to me. I really dont want to juggle two jobs like that, especially when the clothing store is 40 mins away and minimum wage. First and last job for minimum wage thanks.

5) Family issues. These are never going to go away. I believe that every person has it in them to change and I believe that some people DO change. The challenge is that changing is really hard and it doesnt happen over night, a week or even a month. I have hope that my family will change but I cannot change them. In the most recent email from Linda she just wants everyone to forget about what has happened and move on. That to me isnt moving on. Moving on would be further addressing all of these issues and making plans to fix things.
After a very emotional and lengthy talk with my sister, we vowed again to never act like my mother and her siblings. We also agreed that we cannot change anyone else other than ourselves. She fully supports me taking a complete step back. Although I feel terrible from doing this, especially from helping my mom and Terry directly, I think it is the right thing to do. I dont even know if my mom will even realize that Im doing this. I hope she does though, so that I can tell her that I want no part in the excuses and BS that everyone dishes out. I also want to help people who want to help themselves. My mom doesnt seem like one of them right now. Im not trying to cause any BS, Im just reacting to how others act. I think that is pretty fair...no?

6) School..yet another on going saga in my life. Once I can get a schedule from work, I can figure out times and places to study. My new work schedule leaves gaps of anywhere from 15 mins of waiting between clients to 4 or 5 hours. I wonder how pissy Tim Hortons will get if I sat in there and read? There is also the option of the library but its on the other side of Pembroke. Once I figure out where everyone lives I can better judge if its worth it going home.

And there you have it....

My life is never and will never be boring...