Tuesday October 17, 2006
Well I guess its time for some venting. I havent slept well since Sunday and Im sure it is due to all of the stress that is going on within the family.
First and foremost, my mother works almost 7 days a week, and has little to no time for planning, thinking or talking to others in the family. Thanksgiving was a complete ruin and has changed the shape of this family, possibly forever. There are so many reasons for blame on why Thanksgiving unfolded the way it did...but Im certain that with proper planning and communication...things would have went smoothly.
-Background Information-
My Uncle Terry is intellectually disabled and epileptic. That is pretty much the only two diagnosis he has right now....and really ever had. He was on a variety of mood, personality and anti-pyschotics in the past, but very recently, a new Psychiatrist came to Pembroke, so my mom took him there. He actually changed most, if not all of Terry's medications.
In the past, Terry has been extremely violent, usually towards those he loves the most or who pose as a threat to him. From what I gather, all of his life, Terry has behaved better with one on one visits or very VERY small groups. As kids, my mother didnt shy us away from him, but she did teach us about him and Stace and I learned how to stay away if needed or how to interact with him. As a result, Terry and I do have a really good relationship. When I lived at home the last time around (lol) I spent 2 days a week for 2-4 hours at a time. I helped with groceries, took him to appointments if I could, took him out to do fun things and tried to give him things to do at home when he was by himself (that is one of the most challenging things for me). It worked out really well. Sunday nights we went to hockey games or went bowling. When Terry is bored, he generally calls my mom at home. This stems back a long time! Nanny got really stressed about this so whenever someone could keep him busy, Nanny and mom could have some peace.
I noticed that he behavior started to change after Grandpa died. Everyone was grieving for Grandpa, and all of the focus was on Nanny for a while. Im honestly very suprised Terry didnt physically aggress against someone during that time. He knew people were visiting Nanny, my mom, Linda and MaryLou. He knew people were bringing everyone else food, cards etc. He even sent a card to his own mother. Noone visited Terry. His "professional" support team from Community Living and Canadian Mental Health did not increase support hours (which I kinda thought they would) and when my mom and nanny asked his primary support worker to get him into grief counselling...it took months. Terry's behavior also changed after Nanny was diagnosed with Cancer. My mom completely stopped working at this point and devoted her entire life to Nanny. (Something I would do for my mom, dad, sister or Rodney) Supports actually did increase after treatments took over my mom's life. She was driving to Ottawa all the time and Nanny was in and out of the hospital. Increased supports continued after Nanny passed away but they have since stopped. (God, I cannot believe it's almost been a year since she passed)
My mom has since gone back to work (working 2 jobs actually) and playing catch up for all of the missed income from the last almost 2 years. (right now she is on a string of 7 evenings at the Pembokre hospital). My Aunt Linda has been taking Terry one the scheduled days that my mom cant take him. (Tuesdays and Saturdays)
I think we are back up to speed here.
So...months ago, my father got an invitation in the mail for our immediate family to attend Louise's wedding. Of course, we went. Between moving up here and looking for work, school and other things...I didnt ask if things with Terry has been sorted out. I should have made more of an effort, especially since it was Thanksgiving and our first without Nanny. All I knew was that Linda was looking after all three dogs (Shayde, Mandy and Milo) for us and would do something with Terry on Saturday. Then I also found out that she was cooking Thanksgiving dinner for Terry, Nanny Mary (Great Grandmother) and her immediate family (including her exhusband - dont ask - I have no idea).
When we got back to Lapasse, it was quite clear that Linda was stressed to the max and Terry was really aggitated. Terry had already yelled at Linda for a few things...and said it was because he had a headache from all three dogs barking. That doesnt suprise me one bit. Stacey's dog, Milo, barks nonstop when Stacey isnt around (he is a puppy Yorkie, need I say more). Mandy (my mom's dog, that was Nanny's dog) barks pretty regularly, especially when my mom isnt there. (Mandy is going through some severe separation anxiety from loosing Nanny and now with my mom working a lot). Shayde (my little brat) obviously joined in the barking, because the other two were. This would give ANYONE a headache...and Terry is noise sensitive. I didn't know at the time, but Linda was drunk (it was maybe 2 in the afternoon) so she wasnt herself. (Im at the point now that I am just assuming she is drunk all the time.) And because we didnt know she was drunk (its hard to tell sometimes) she drove out to get Nanny Mary for dinner. I really really really hope she gets caught driving drunk. Its too bad everyone lives so out of the way...even if wecalled the police on her (or anyone else in Lapasse that drives drunk - believe me, a lot of idiots do) by the time a car made it to Lapasse they would be at their destination and therefor unchargeable. I highly doubt Ill ever be in the position any time soon to take her keys - but if I am...I will.
Stacey, Rodney and I left for Petawawa and about 2 or 3 hours later, my other aunt ML called and gave me the news...
Terry still hadnt calmed down from the weekend - obviously - and he thought Erin (Linda's daughter) was laughing at him. My mom thinks that his paranoia has increased since the medication change and after speaking to her about this whole thing, she apparently thought this before all of this happened. (something that SHOULD have been talked about) So Terry became angry with Erin, and most likely raised his voice to her. Linda then proceeded to talk in the family's secret language to Erin, probably giving her instructions to quit whatever she was doing. Erin (who talks back ALL the time) probably did such a thing. Any person with little education on paranoia should be able to see clearly that this would have HEIGHTENED Terry's aggitation!!!!! (what was Linda thinking) So at that point Terry started yelling and screaming at Linda and Erin and it wsa at that point that Linda told Erin to get the phone and call 911. In my opinion, Linda is lucky that Terry didnt do more than he did!!!! To Terry, that meant being carried out in handcuffs and sent to a psychiatric hospital. OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO LOOSE HIS MIND!!!! I dont blame him one bit. But all he did was attempt to race Erin to the phone - he was protecting himself! And really...all he was doing was yelling. Completely unacceptable, but 911 wasnt needed at that point. Linda tried to hold Terry back from getting to the phone and in the process Linda's hair was pulled and we think that my mom got smacked. Erin did end up calling 911 and the police were on their way. Before my mom was struck, ML called and heard a lot of screaming and my mom hung up on her...so ML went down. When she got there, the chaos had ended and my mom was in the process of getting Terry ready to go back to his place.
I called Terry's...and my mom wasnt there but I did talk to him for about 20 mins. The police had been to his place and talked to him. Terry told me what happened through his eyes including that Erin was told to call 911 and that scared him. He also said that Linda grabbed him first. And then, he told me that Linda had been drinking all day. Either she was drinking wine or vodka. I had no idea she was drinking that much and then he said that anytime he is with her she is drinking. He knows exactly what she drinks too - he was telling me cooler labels, wine bottles and that she takes him to the liquor store with her.
When I finally did talk to my mom, she seemed to really down play everything - but she was tired and was heading into work for nights that night. I havent been able to talk to her about this since, but I plan on it.
Since this has happened, Linda has emailed me, trying to make me feel sorry for her because of her separation from her husband, her financial problems, she cannot control her kids and noone has faith in her. She ALSO told me that she has borrowed money from TERRY - $5000 actually. I just about fell over. Why would my mom do this - she is in control of Terry's money. Why would she lend anyone his money, especially her that cannot pay it back? Linda already owes the estate more money than she will ever get when and if it's sold. Im so angry with Linda and with my mom. Im still not totally sure how Im going to approach my mom with all of this information.
After re-reading this...Im convinced this isnt real life...it sounds like a movie or better yet a soap opera!!!
