The Ups, Downs and Crazy Twists of Life

2007-01-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!

I have been doing some thinking...Im going to propose the idea to Rodney about having our own website...different and separate from this blog....to be honest...I dont even know if Ill keep up with this blog.

I was thinking something more of an online scrapbook with some journaling of our life together. We got a digital camera for christmas from my parents...so its a thought.

I know a few people that have webpages with msn groups. Are there any other suggestions?

Thanks!

-ps- After the inlaws leave I should have more time to recap on my last 3 weeks, Christmas and all of the chaos that the holidays have brought!

-pss- I have an interview in TWO DAYS!

2006-11-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

Questioning my personal strength!

Its official. Rodney is going away for the month of January!!! Im very excited for him! He is going to the artic...and how many people in their life times can say...so yah...I spent a month in the artic! To be quite honest, Id love to go with him! Im already jealous of him having gone to Africa and Greece...but he doesnt have a choice...we are going to those places at some point together.
He also told me tonight that the unit has been told that starting in February they are expecting to do monthly exercises (5 days duration) to prepare for Afghanistan. Three dates for them have been floating around...August 07, November 07 or February 08. Ive heard (from another source) that the support units will be held off until more stability is gained. And after the last two casualities this week...the peace that appeared to be coming...is still very far away.
The THIRD thing he told me is that there was a huge memo sent out that Flight Attendants in the AirBuses that ship soldiers overseas and across Canada. Guess who thinks that would be an AWESOME three year contract. You bet! MY HONEY! I actually thought he was kidding at first. He came up with some pretty decent PROS to this though, and of course there are ALWAYS CONS! He said he would love the opportunity to travel (maybe he likes the idea of travelling alone lol)...he would see so many great places! The travel money would be great and it would be a nice temporary break from the Line Trade. Valid points. Cons include...well the insane amount of travelling and time away from home. Three years is a long time...I want babies and a warm body in my bed! :) The next most important is if it will hurt his potential from being promoted. He is in motion for getting is MCPL (hopefully within the next year) and his goal is to get his Sargents before he is finished his 20 years of service. The third would be moving to Trenton...

Meanwhile...Im thinking that he is remuster (change trades) and go Navy so we can move to Halifax!!!

So...now that its official...all that junk about being strong and supportive of Rodney going away....f-that! I dont want to live alone here for a month...and certainly NOT for 6-9months when he goes to Afghanistan. Oh and what about if he is gone for three years...off and on for three years. Can I do this? How do you do this? Im NOT leaving...I just hope I can be the woman he needs me to be.

2006-11-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

Its been a while...

The biggest thing that went on recently...is the BRT workshop offered by the Petawawa Military Family Resource Center. Its called Basic Relationship Training. Now...before anyone gets their underwear in a bunch....R and I arent having problems within our relationship! So many people jump on saying that. It is a very educational course designed for Canadian Forces couples (although I think all couples should take this) to help with communication skills, listening skills, problem solving, expectations and open discussions about how to protect friendship, sex, sensuality etc.

One of the great things about this course for us...is that it reinforced that R and I are already on the right track. We try very hard to not let little issues blow into huge ones. Sometimes this is hard because of filters (tired, stressed, sick, past experiences) but now that we have been taught some really great techniques to help prevent so many things!

The course was last Tues and Thurs evening and then all day Saturday. Saturday was a very heavy day!

What else is going on? Ive been babysitting this week...and have Friday off. I have two employment opportunities. And over the phone interview this evening (in between babysitting and working at the store). This job is in the financial industry, And the other is a local day care interested in my resume and are apparently desperate for someone. (yay!) Ill certainly keep you posted.

Another idea that has been floating around in my head is opening an At Home Day Care in the basement. Start up costs would be the most trying..well other than finding homes for all of the stuff currently down there (oh and there is A LOT) Start up costs is also something that can build over time. Toys are things I can accumulate...

I quickly drew up a daily schedule...and things would be structured! There would be circle time, art time, outside time, rest time, free play, themed weeks and of course story time! :) I would also have weekly baking time, and depending on the amount of kids, a field trip to Kidzone, parks, swimming etc. It certainly would be a super fun idea.

I would like to see what the other two potentials amount to first.

Does anyone that reads this blog have any comments on anything :)

Thanks!

2006-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

This was written by a soldier who has served in Afghanistan, I think it is well written and gives the viewpoint of those who serve this country. I forward it for your consideration. With Remembrance Day approaching, I would ask that we all give thought to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we may live in freedom. Wear a RED Poppy, support our soldiers! Even if you dont believe in the mission, support the wives, husbands, parents, children and friends who have loved ones serving over there...mine is going soon.

Dear Jack Layton,

You sit there in your quiet home, no fear in your heart,
You sleep soundly certain that it won't be blown apart.

Your children they can go to school and play out in the park,
They've never seen a bomb explode, heard air raids in the dark.

They've never seen dead bodies piled up on the street,
Your wife, she won't be beaten, treated like a piece of meat.

You are free to form opinions, read any news print you can see,
You enjoy your rights and privileges in this country wide and free.

The reason you can live like that is because I fight your wars,
I fight and push the enemy back, I keep them off our shores.

I am here and you are there pretending you know best.
Well Ole Jack now listen close while I get this off my chest.

You have the right to criticize, you have the right to complain
You don't have the right to drag me down in a stupid political game.

The thing about your rights Ole Jack, the part you can't comprehend
Is you work in the very system, the democracy I defend.

I stand on fences around the world protecting those that need it,
It is not for you to determine Jack whether or not it's worth it.

Ask the people in Afghanistan if they want me to stay,
Women and children depend on me - you say just walk away.

I don't need your changing policy, trying hard to not lose face,
What I need is you behind me, helping protect this place.

You know its hard to do this when I think I'm all alone.
I hear stories of young punks pissing on memorial stones.

I read the papers over here and they tell me what is said.
Canadians are losing faith I can't get it through my head.

You say that it is hopeless, it really brings me down
Don't tell my mother we're losing, don't spread that rumour around.

I'm doing good, were winning here but no-one will believe
Because we are way over here where no one there can see.

Women here can work you see, children starting school.
We built a working government, we've broken Taliban rule.

We are so close to winning this, it's not too far away
History will show that we were in the right to stay.

When that brilliant day arrives, victory you'll claim is ours
You'll forget you said to run away - forget you are a coward.

On that day just thank me for my courage and my trouble,
Find another place that needs help, and send me on the double.

......................................................written by Josh Forbes Calgary Alberta Canada

Thank you Mr Forbes for that heart-felt piece! You certainly make many of us remember why we are so lucky to be Canadian!

Thank you to all of the men and women, especially the ones who laid down their lives for not only our country, peace and democracy but for the Afganny people. Heros are not NHLer, NFLers or MLBers....they men and women who believe passionately about making the world a better place and who work hard to keep their neighbours safe.

Again, wear a Poppy...a red one. And thank a soldier.

~

2006-11-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Monday November 6th

If only I could talk to her. I doubt it would help, she seems to be lacking reasoning skills. The more I think about the situation, I really dont "hate" her. I firmly do not agree with how she is handling things...but I dont and cannot hate her. (yet anyways)

To Whom It May Concern,

There are so many things I want to say to you. There are so many things R wants to say to you. Please, please find it in your heart to believe that R and I only want what is best for J. I believe that there are two sides to every story and I would certainly listen to your side, if you felt I needed to hear it. I cannot speak for anything that R did prior to us being together. I do know that R isnt perfect. I know he is a procrastinator. I know he avoids talking about his feelings and what is bothering him. What I also know is that he loves J with his whole heart. I believe he would do anything his son and those he cares for. I believe that R is also capable of change...every person is.
There was a time when you and Rodney loved each other, enough to bring J into the world and the love for J will never end. You are very blessed to be a mom! I also believe that you are fortunate for R to be the father. I understand that you feel that R should be paying more child support. I am obviously not a mother and really cannot relate to what it is like being a single parent. All I have are stories and statistics to go on. I firmly believe that being a single parent is extremely tough and I give you FULL props for succeeding! But are you aware that there are fathers, too many infactm that disappear, refuse to pay or work under the table so they dont have to pay??? You have a man, wanting to be friends with you or at least civil. You have a man willing to work endlessly with you to ensure that the son you two share is raised with everything he needs. What does J need? He needs the basic necessities; food, water, shelter and love. You are obviously very capable of providing all four of those but why would you deny your son from receiving love from other people beyond your family. J needs his father, he needs to know that he can trust R, talk to R and receive guidence from him. All of these things R wants to do for his son. He owes it to that little boy. Why are you denying J from love from R's family? Approving of R's family is beside the point. You felt that R and his family were good enough 8 years ago... they are his family, there is no denying that.
I dont know my father's side...and I feel like Ive missed out on a lot. Cousins, aunts, grandparents...memories, birthdays... who are those people? How could they have helped shape me into a better person? There is so much of my ancestory that I dont know...and now its pretty much lost in fights, lack of communication and unwillingness to forgive. Do you want that for your son?

You dont have to like me and we never have to communicate. I love Rodney, very much, and because of this, I care for J. I care for children in general. I care for them because I came from a home of parents that shouldnt have stayed together for the children. I care for children because they dont have a voice in all of this. Please, sit Justin down and ask him what he wants. Do you honestly think he would say he never wants to see R again?

R told me about the wrong doings. I am NOT proud of him for that and I know he isnt either. In the 9 months I have loved him though, I trust that he has changed from those things. We talk about these things and J all the time. He feels like he has lost so much and that he will never be good enough in your eyes or J's. From what I understand J knows of at least one wrong doing of R's. People make mistakes, I have, R has and Im sure you have...and J will make mistakes too. Do you want him to feel that making a mistake is the end of the world? Or do you want him to be able to come to his mother, talk to her about it, know that you will accept him no matter what and support him to fix it or learn from it?

In all of the conversations I have heard between R and J...R has NEVER said a mean thing about you. Infact I distintly remember a phone call that J wasnt happy with you and R reinforced to J that he MUST live by your rules and respect you. I was completely blown away by that! My sister and I are adults now, and neither of my parents say that about each other. When either is pissed at each other...we know all about it and hear all of the colourful insults that go along with it. That wasnt and isnt to fair to us...and it certainly isnt fair to J.

I hope that you can put aside the past with R, even though Im sure it will be hard and believe in him. Even if you dont agree with him, or us, nothing will change that he is J's father...and I believe that if you continue to neglect their bond and relationship... J might resent you for that. Maybe he wont, but every child wants to know their roots and their parents and why they were denied them.

We (R, myself and our families) want to be a part of J's life and help provide him with the life he deserves. There is so much love for him! Lets try to work together for J.

2006-10-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday October 29, 2006 - Back to the Drawing Board

So I guess the angels decided to give me a smack for mocking God's plan. I have an incredibly sore back. I feel last Saturday at my moms and then started the new job - helping adults with physical disabilities. There wasnt much lifting, but the positioning of my back to help with Range of Motion exercises was enough to light a fire on my lower back. Monday wasnt too too bad...my back was tight. Tuesday I was stiff. Wednesday I was REALLY sore. Thursday was really bad. I was really late getting home because I had to keep stopping while with clients to give my back a break. I was in tears all the way home. I went to the hospital (because my family MD couldnt see me within the week) in Deep River. The MD gave me some great pain killers, told me to rest and apply some heat off and on. I called my boss and told her what the MD said and she said that it was probably best that I didnt work for them. She said that she had never heard of anyone having back issues from just Range of Motion exercises and when I brought up the fall she said that I shouldnt have started working then. sigh

Back to the drawing board for work. Im going tommorrow to register at the Red Cross to be certified to teach the BabySitting course and the PeopleSavers course. Im really excited about these 2 opportunities and I really hope that I can get more kids and schools involved.

I hadnt quit at the clothing store yet, and its probably a really good thing! With the Christmas season coming, Im hoping to get more hours...but Im obviously going to keep searching for something else....mainly that pays better.

Its Sunday evening...the eve of my 26th birthday! AHHH I cannot believe it! I also cannot believe that Rodney was 35 last Monday :P So we...well HE...made a cake for tonight and on Tuesday we are going to see SAW3! YIPPEEE!

Enjoy Halloween!!!

~

2006-10-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

Friday October 20, 2006

Knock Knock...is God there please! I know I havent prayed to you in a long while, but I do pray to my grandparents and just incase they are having too much fun up in there together, I just really wanted to know when you are going to stop testing my patience! But then again it might not be just ME that is being tested. Maybe our relationship is being tested since we have been talking about getting married.

Alright...the last 5 days certainly have been difficult to say the least. But I have done a lot of thinking and Im cutting stressful things out of my life until I can get a grasp on some things.

I have identified my stressful parts of life as:
- school
- juggling 2 jobs
- volunteer brownie leader
- issue Rodney and I are having with his son's mother
- family issues
- money
- Rodney's grandfather passed away Monday morning

1) The passing of Rodney's grandfather has been really tough. We couldnt afford to fly home and couldnt afford for even just Rodney to go. I felt absolutely helpless for him. He has been talking a lot more to his siblings, siblings-in-law and parents. Im really glad for that! Im positive that his parents visiting will be great for everyone! We (R and I) have also offered to make up a scrapbook for Nanny Hayman like I did for Papa and will be doing for Nanny (as soon as my mom will let go of the items I need) Im going to let Rodney do as much as he can. It can be really emotional but it might be good for him. And then we will take out to NL when we go in the summer. This is emotional stress that I can certainly deal with and help Rodney through.

2) Volunteer Brownie Leader. What an unbearable mess this has been. With my increase in hours...I have decided to give up unpaid work. It would be great expierence but I just cant handle all of this right now. I do have hard feelings about dropping the girls....but I have other priorities that need me right now. Ill still buy cookies and will get back into it when my future girls want to be Sparks. But until then...no thanks.

3) Looks like we are going to have to come up with some money and hire a lawyer. She has been playing hard ball for long enough and we are both sick of this. I really cant go into detail about the issues with Rodney's son. I really wish I could, just to be able to vent it all out. This is also stress that I fully except and know I can work with. As soon as we can get a court order on visitation and child support cap, things will be much better for us.
It really annoys me that nothing is good enough for this woman. So many women go through fighting their children's fathers to even pay 50 bucks a month. I have seen it many times. My mother's brother was one of them for a while. And my Aunt Linda is currently going through that with her retarted ex-husband. He is purposely working under the table and working for cash so he doesnt have to pay Linda anything. And then there is Rodney. According to just his pay alone, he should be paying 473 a month. He has been paying 500 a month for years - even when his income was much lower. He's been overpaying for years. Ontop of that, anytime she calls and asks for money for any reason (new winter coat, shoes, boots, she was short on money etc) Rodney would email transfer her the money. Most times he did this without hesitation. But if he ever thought that she was just looking for more money for no good reason and he questioned her...she used Justin as a weapon, saying that if he didnt, Rodney couldnt see him for the coming visitation. And she has been getting away with this because there is no legal agreement. Now she is demanding payments be upped to 600 because an 8 year old boy now eats an extra hundred dollars worth of food a month. Might I add that Justin doesnt participate in anything expensive like hockey. Enough rating...Im sure Ill be given a hard time for what I already am saying.

4) Juggling two jobs. Currently working at the clothing store is going to post a lot of issues with the Ontario March of Dimes. March of Dimes means working at the most every other weekend, but my boss is pushing for one weekend a month and then when holidays come along we will work every other to cover that. Which is totally fine with me. The clothing store will certainly put me in for every other weekend with them. There goes all off time with Rodney. No thanks. I will have two jobs though. Im currently in the process of being certified to teach the babysitting course. This is a one day course to teach and they are hoping to give me one a month. I can handle one Sat a month to gain more teaching experience. (13 bucks an hour for this one too!) So Ill be letting the clothing store go within the next week. I was hoping to use my discount a little more before I quit...but I dont think that is going to happen. My first pay isnt until the 5th of November. I really dont wanna screw them over, even though it would be very easy but they have been very good to me. I really dont want to juggle two jobs like that, especially when the clothing store is 40 mins away and minimum wage. First and last job for minimum wage thanks.

5) Family issues. These are never going to go away. I believe that every person has it in them to change and I believe that some people DO change. The challenge is that changing is really hard and it doesnt happen over night, a week or even a month. I have hope that my family will change but I cannot change them. In the most recent email from Linda she just wants everyone to forget about what has happened and move on. That to me isnt moving on. Moving on would be further addressing all of these issues and making plans to fix things.
After a very emotional and lengthy talk with my sister, we vowed again to never act like my mother and her siblings. We also agreed that we cannot change anyone else other than ourselves. She fully supports me taking a complete step back. Although I feel terrible from doing this, especially from helping my mom and Terry directly, I think it is the right thing to do. I dont even know if my mom will even realize that Im doing this. I hope she does though, so that I can tell her that I want no part in the excuses and BS that everyone dishes out. I also want to help people who want to help themselves. My mom doesnt seem like one of them right now. Im not trying to cause any BS, Im just reacting to how others act. I think that is pretty fair...no?

6) School..yet another on going saga in my life. Once I can get a schedule from work, I can figure out times and places to study. My new work schedule leaves gaps of anywhere from 15 mins of waiting between clients to 4 or 5 hours. I wonder how pissy Tim Hortons will get if I sat in there and read? There is also the option of the library but its on the other side of Pembroke. Once I figure out where everyone lives I can better judge if its worth it going home.

And there you have it....

My life is never and will never be boring...

2006-10-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Tuesday October 17, 2006

Well I guess its time for some venting. I havent slept well since Sunday and Im sure it is due to all of the stress that is going on within the family.
First and foremost, my mother works almost 7 days a week, and has little to no time for planning, thinking or talking to others in the family. Thanksgiving was a complete ruin and has changed the shape of this family, possibly forever. There are so many reasons for blame on why Thanksgiving unfolded the way it did...but Im certain that with proper planning and communication...things would have went smoothly.

-Background Information-
My Uncle Terry is intellectually disabled and epileptic. That is pretty much the only two diagnosis he has right now....and really ever had. He was on a variety of mood, personality and anti-pyschotics in the past, but very recently, a new Psychiatrist came to Pembroke, so my mom took him there. He actually changed most, if not all of Terry's medications.
In the past, Terry has been extremely violent, usually towards those he loves the most or who pose as a threat to him. From what I gather, all of his life, Terry has behaved better with one on one visits or very VERY small groups. As kids, my mother didnt shy us away from him, but she did teach us about him and Stace and I learned how to stay away if needed or how to interact with him. As a result, Terry and I do have a really good relationship. When I lived at home the last time around (lol) I spent 2 days a week for 2-4 hours at a time. I helped with groceries, took him to appointments if I could, took him out to do fun things and tried to give him things to do at home when he was by himself (that is one of the most challenging things for me). It worked out really well. Sunday nights we went to hockey games or went bowling. When Terry is bored, he generally calls my mom at home. This stems back a long time! Nanny got really stressed about this so whenever someone could keep him busy, Nanny and mom could have some peace.

I noticed that he behavior started to change after Grandpa died. Everyone was grieving for Grandpa, and all of the focus was on Nanny for a while. Im honestly very suprised Terry didnt physically aggress against someone during that time. He knew people were visiting Nanny, my mom, Linda and MaryLou. He knew people were bringing everyone else food, cards etc. He even sent a card to his own mother. Noone visited Terry. His "professional" support team from Community Living and Canadian Mental Health did not increase support hours (which I kinda thought they would) and when my mom and nanny asked his primary support worker to get him into grief counselling...it took months. Terry's behavior also changed after Nanny was diagnosed with Cancer. My mom completely stopped working at this point and devoted her entire life to Nanny. (Something I would do for my mom, dad, sister or Rodney) Supports actually did increase after treatments took over my mom's life. She was driving to Ottawa all the time and Nanny was in and out of the hospital. Increased supports continued after Nanny passed away but they have since stopped. (God, I cannot believe it's almost been a year since she passed)

My mom has since gone back to work (working 2 jobs actually) and playing catch up for all of the missed income from the last almost 2 years. (right now she is on a string of 7 evenings at the Pembokre hospital). My Aunt Linda has been taking Terry one the scheduled days that my mom cant take him. (Tuesdays and Saturdays)

I think we are back up to speed here.

So...months ago, my father got an invitation in the mail for our immediate family to attend Louise's wedding. Of course, we went. Between moving up here and looking for work, school and other things...I didnt ask if things with Terry has been sorted out. I should have made more of an effort, especially since it was Thanksgiving and our first without Nanny. All I knew was that Linda was looking after all three dogs (Shayde, Mandy and Milo) for us and would do something with Terry on Saturday. Then I also found out that she was cooking Thanksgiving dinner for Terry, Nanny Mary (Great Grandmother) and her immediate family (including her exhusband - dont ask - I have no idea).
When we got back to Lapasse, it was quite clear that Linda was stressed to the max and Terry was really aggitated. Terry had already yelled at Linda for a few things...and said it was because he had a headache from all three dogs barking. That doesnt suprise me one bit. Stacey's dog, Milo, barks nonstop when Stacey isnt around (he is a puppy Yorkie, need I say more). Mandy (my mom's dog, that was Nanny's dog) barks pretty regularly, especially when my mom isnt there. (Mandy is going through some severe separation anxiety from loosing Nanny and now with my mom working a lot). Shayde (my little brat) obviously joined in the barking, because the other two were. This would give ANYONE a headache...and Terry is noise sensitive. I didn't know at the time, but Linda was drunk (it was maybe 2 in the afternoon) so she wasnt herself. (Im at the point now that I am just assuming she is drunk all the time.) And because we didnt know she was drunk (its hard to tell sometimes) she drove out to get Nanny Mary for dinner. I really really really hope she gets caught driving drunk. Its too bad everyone lives so out of the way...even if wecalled the police on her (or anyone else in Lapasse that drives drunk - believe me, a lot of idiots do) by the time a car made it to Lapasse they would be at their destination and therefor unchargeable. I highly doubt Ill ever be in the position any time soon to take her keys - but if I am...I will.
Stacey, Rodney and I left for Petawawa and about 2 or 3 hours later, my other aunt ML called and gave me the news...

Terry still hadnt calmed down from the weekend - obviously - and he thought Erin (Linda's daughter) was laughing at him. My mom thinks that his paranoia has increased since the medication change and after speaking to her about this whole thing, she apparently thought this before all of this happened. (something that SHOULD have been talked about) So Terry became angry with Erin, and most likely raised his voice to her. Linda then proceeded to talk in the family's secret language to Erin, probably giving her instructions to quit whatever she was doing. Erin (who talks back ALL the time) probably did such a thing. Any person with little education on paranoia should be able to see clearly that this would have HEIGHTENED Terry's aggitation!!!!! (what was Linda thinking) So at that point Terry started yelling and screaming at Linda and Erin and it wsa at that point that Linda told Erin to get the phone and call 911. In my opinion, Linda is lucky that Terry didnt do more than he did!!!! To Terry, that meant being carried out in handcuffs and sent to a psychiatric hospital. OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO LOOSE HIS MIND!!!! I dont blame him one bit. But all he did was attempt to race Erin to the phone - he was protecting himself! And really...all he was doing was yelling. Completely unacceptable, but 911 wasnt needed at that point. Linda tried to hold Terry back from getting to the phone and in the process Linda's hair was pulled and we think that my mom got smacked. Erin did end up calling 911 and the police were on their way. Before my mom was struck, ML called and heard a lot of screaming and my mom hung up on her...so ML went down. When she got there, the chaos had ended and my mom was in the process of getting Terry ready to go back to his place.

I called Terry's...and my mom wasnt there but I did talk to him for about 20 mins. The police had been to his place and talked to him. Terry told me what happened through his eyes including that Erin was told to call 911 and that scared him. He also said that Linda grabbed him first. And then, he told me that Linda had been drinking all day. Either she was drinking wine or vodka. I had no idea she was drinking that much and then he said that anytime he is with her she is drinking. He knows exactly what she drinks too - he was telling me cooler labels, wine bottles and that she takes him to the liquor store with her.

When I finally did talk to my mom, she seemed to really down play everything - but she was tired and was heading into work for nights that night. I havent been able to talk to her about this since, but I plan on it.

Since this has happened, Linda has emailed me, trying to make me feel sorry for her because of her separation from her husband, her financial problems, she cannot control her kids and noone has faith in her. She ALSO told me that she has borrowed money from TERRY - $5000 actually. I just about fell over. Why would my mom do this - she is in control of Terry's money. Why would she lend anyone his money, especially her that cannot pay it back? Linda already owes the estate more money than she will ever get when and if it's sold. Im so angry with Linda and with my mom. Im still not totally sure how Im going to approach my mom with all of this information.

After re-reading this...Im convinced this isnt real life...it sounds like a movie or better yet a soap opera!!!

2006-10-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Thursday October 12, 2006

What a friggen weekend! I honestly dont know where to start!!! Start with the good! We all (mom, dad, uncle, stace, rodney and I) went to Ottawa to my cousin's wedding. I had never been to a Thanksgiving wedding before but it was delightful! Her decorations were the obvious Thanksgiving colours and the brides wore brown. It was very nice! Pretty small, which is what I like too! Louise was just beeming! And her wedding sparked my wedding obsession! :) Now I really really want to get married!!! Im looking at dresses, flowers, starting a guest list....oh who am I kidding...I had already started all of that HAHAHA But now its kicked into high gear!!!! If Rodney didnt want to get married and we just lived commonlaw for the rest of all time, I wouldnt complain (that much) I have seen far too many couples get married for the wrong reasons and/or stay together for the wrong reasons. One day that costs thousands of dollars is not worth a life time of unhappiness! Of course, I dream of that one day, when Rodney and I exchange vows, I look amazing, we are both crying, all of our family and friends are crying, have a nice little dinner and then a nice little party! It is in most girls blood and of course the media feeds it to us. And to tell you the truth, I have it really good right now. I have a man who loves me more and more every day (so he says :) ), he supports me in following my dreams for school, he is honest, kind, is a FABULOUS cook and and and and and!!!! Now not everything is roses and wine! We are both the first born children in our families and both scorpios. We are both stubborn as all hell and like to do things OUR way!!! Healthy arguing is good though! Im extremely happy right now...its almost scary!
I wouldnt trade this relationship for one overpriced day ever!!!

I have a full day of venting...about things that happened over the Thanksgiving weekend with my family...but Im jsut not ready to blow out about them. Its going to be a long long post.

Im going to have a nap...Im getting sick!

2006-09-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

Tuesday October 3 2006

A few things on my mind today. One of which Im not allowed to blog about.
Another thing is Volunteer Work - particularly in Girl Guides. I grew up in Girl Guides and Im certain that my children will be in Girl Guides and/or Scouts. I was a Brownie Leader for 2 years in Beachburg and loved it! Took some time off when I lived in Kingston but now that I have found myself in a town where everyone is so tight knit, I need some ways to have some fun! So I signed back up to be a Brownie Leader. Upon re-registering, I told the Commissioner that I didnt want to be the contact leader and didnt want to be a treasurer. So basically third or fourth on the food chain of the Brownie Unit. She was totally cool with that. As the starting of Brownie rolled around, the contact leader moved up to Guides (without her, there wouldnt have been Guides) and I become the contact because out of the rest, I was most experienced. But, I had 2 other leaders (including a treasurer) and a Junior Leader...so I figured everything would be fine. Last Monday was meeting #3 and we were in crisis. The Junior Leader and the Treasurer stopped coming and will not return phone calls. I felt very unorganized, alone and and and and. So I called the Commissioner and told her that something had to change....and boy did she take me seriously! :) She found a leader from last year, who wanted to take a break this year but said she would come back temporarily until we found permanent replacements. So Striped Owl (her Brownie Name) and I had a 2 hour meeting and got things under control. I still dont have someone for Treasurer...and I really dont want to be Brown Owl (meaning head leader) and Treasurer. The Commissioner is taking the books off my hands for now. THANK GOD!!!! So I guess things are turning around....

Next item on my list is holidays. Holidays either bring out the best in people or the worst. My family...who freaking knows. In the past we all just have sucked up every emotion, feeling and thought and pushed through the event to make other people happy. Most of you know that I have some pretty strong opinions on things, and family is certainly one of them. Ill never forget the feeling I had when I realized that my family just isnt as great, close and tight as I had been made to believe. For years, my mother told me, well more like demanded me to keep my mouth shut and basically pretend that I like everyone simply because Papa was sick and she wasnt about to have ME ruin a holiday event. After Papa passed away, my mom made is clear to everyone that we ALL were to keep this up for Nanny, and then Nanny got sick, really sick, so we obviously kept the peace for her final holidays with us.

So this Christmas...this Christmas is certainly something special for me. Its our (Rodney and me) first Christmas so I want it to be special. Secondly...it looks like Mr and Mrs Keeping are coming to stay with us over Christmas and I really want to make sure that they have a great Christmas!!! Rodney hasnt had Christmas with his parents in about 10 years, so it is going to be a good one for so many reasons!
But see there are some issues. I have an aunt that has dug herself a serious hole and I dont think I even know the whole story. She is completely broke and borrowing money from whomever she can. I have NO idea if she is taking money (because she NEVER pays it back) from my mother. And if she is, all hell is going to break loose (Stace and I both agreed on this one) My mother, after taking a number of years OFF from work to care for her parents is back to work and working like a horse. She is working two different jobs, in two different towns, one full time and the other part time. She working like this because she has a huge house and a ton of household expenses and she isnt ready to let the house go yet. (I dont blame her, I love that house and hope to own it some day) So if there is a money sucking family member out there who is now taking from my mother because she cant take from her own anymore....Ill be the first to intervene there. I know I cannot control my mother's life, but I will make it very VERY clear that this needs to stop. This same aunt just left her husband and has two teenagers. These teenagers have no respect for others and have learned less discipline than my sisters cats (inside joke that only few will get but trust me...her cats dont listen/behave at all). Rules mean absolutely NOTHING to them but really, why should they when they weren't taught that there are consequences in life for stupidity!!!! At 14 and almost 16, they swear, back talk, and the 16 year old drinks, alot. He constantly is taking/stealing mouthfulls of anyone's booze. Its just complete chaos.
My Uncle Terry brings a certain amount of chaos, but what do you expect from a man who is dual diagnosis and has never been on the correct perscription of medications???? He cannot stand these 2 teenagers and they irrate him to no end. The only difference is that he is allowed to yell at them or about them because he is Terry. But when there is a calm environment, he is great! The amount of chaos that Terry brings, to me, is ligit and he will ALWAYS be involved in MY holiday events.
My Nanny Mary (great grandmother) also brings a certain amount of chaos. The woman is almost 100, alive and kicking, smokes like a chimey, steals smokes and pretty much anything she can get her hands on. She also refuses to bathe, Im certain her sense of smell is gone...(ew) But she is Nanny Mary. She has lost her mind, literally, her stories make ZERO sense because she takes bits and pieces from every story she knows and makes up her own. But that is rather funny. I think she would really like to meet Mr and Mrs Keeping though!

We are apparently having Thanksgiving dinner on Monday evening at my mom's. Almost like a preview of things to come.

I spoke with Stace last night and she said that even though I feel the way I do, I simply cannot NOT invite certain family members to Christmas dinner. But it's different (apparently) because my mom's other brother, Tim, is CLEARLY not welcome in the family anymore. He chose to rid us all and we are JUST FINE with that. His children, my cousins, are more than welcome at my place anytime, anywhere and ALL the time! They know this. Their mother, Tim's exwife is also welcome too. Im not sure how this is any different. My aunt sucked money out of her parents, just like Tim. My aunt neglects her children, just like Tim (well he abused/abuses them). My aunt is an alcholic and Tim was (maybe even is).

I honestly dont know what to do.

2006-09-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

Wednesday September 20, 2006

Oh man...almost end of the month already...I cannot believe how quickly its flown by! 7.5 months! Yeehaw! The last couple days...well the last week or so has been nutzo! Poor Rodney has been so tired with work...but Im glad he is busy, he seemed so bored in Kingston! And! He is also being able to show leadership, which he really couldnt in Kingston. He worked with more civis than combats. The new job is so far doing alright! My coworkers are all very nice and extremely helpful. Im still trying to get a feel for selling clothes. I always try to put myself in their shoes - I dont want to be too pushy but I dont want to loose out on a sale. ARGH! I guess it will come with practice. I did have one good sell yesterday though! YAY me! And I cannot praise the discount enough! 50% So yesterday I bought a jacket and two shirts! I need a tank for under one of the shirts and I am on order to get a few things for Stace and my mom!

My feet have just been a killing...I found some nice ones at Sport Check but they didnt have a 7!!! So Im waiting for them to come in. :)

One a different note...my thoughts and prayers are with the students and staff at Dawson College...I cannot even imagine what last week (and even now) was like for them. School is supposed to be a safe place, especially in Canada let alone North America! I alsmot feel that the more we try to change other parts of the world...the worse our own gets. This shouldnt be a balancing act. As the middle east starts to improve, America shouldnt decline...but that is what seems to be happening! How can we help other countries when ours desperately needs help. I believe in helping those countries, especially now because so many innocent people believe in a better way of life but cannot challenge their goverment.
I was watching an interview with a rep from a security and he was saying that it is possible to put cameras and metal detectors at the entrances. Which IS a possibility....I cannot imainge my old high school having that...
I cannot remember who this woman was...Im sure she was on a board of education in PQ. She did make a good point that faculty and staff need to do their best to see warning signs to prevent things like this to happen. Great! Im all for prevention, but the older the person gets, the easier it is for that person to mask potentional signs and the harder it is to reach them.
If prevention is the answer, most of the work has to be in when kids are just starting out. Money and resources need to be in all levels of education...but building healthy kids is important. Fostering ways early on. Children need to be taught and SHOWN positive ways of releasing anger, dealing with difficult situations and how to communicate. Teachers need to be supported in today's educational system. They are extremely over worked and underpaid, but not only that. They have a very strict guildline of what to teach and how long to cram it into the students. There arent enough EA's or Tutors in the Classroom. The children are should be an extremely high priority....maybe even higher than the military. We, as a community and nation, are responsible for raising the next generation of soldiers...everything is linked together.

I am actually starting to see youth in my grandparents eyes, when they used to say "We didnt do things like that in our day" Of course not...99% of mothers stayed at home, which Im certain is one of the major reason we are loosing youth to crime, drugs and dropping out. How can a couple raise a child when they constantly tell the child(ren) "sorry I cant help you, Im busy with work or whatever the excuse is" Sure they raise a child...but with very low selfesteem, self-worth and almost zero self-respect which leads to not respcting others. Im certain that another reason children of the coming generation will be considered to be the lost generation is technology. Too many people are obsessed with sitting infront of a pc rather than reading to their kids, being involved with their school and/or community. Please can I raise my children inside the house all the time...just put the tv on and Ill play on the pc?!?!?!?

Its very evident in the military community...there are so many children, under 10, running around outside without parents or at least a teenager. Actually, outside my office window (across the street) there are 4 children jumping on a huge trampoline. Full props to the kids for being outside and being active, instead of plunking infront of the tv or a game system!!! At least two of these children arr under 6 and the oldest might be 11. Not exactly safe...and to make matters worse they are playing dodge ball on the trampoline. Im just really hoping that mom is watching them from the kitchen window!!!
It was like this in Kingston, when I took the girls to the Splash Pad...so many young kids without parental supervision. It's sad really...

2006-09-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

Friday September 8, 2006

When the day started today, we thought Rodney would be home around lunch time and we would run a bunch of errands together. Well when you are married to the military and are up for promotion - you do what you need to.

The wounded soldiers from Afganistan are arriving in Ottawa later this afternoon and Rodney was one of the few picked to go to Ottawa today to assit them coming home and be in the parade. (Which Im assuming is to honour them) As much as this sucks - this week has been pretty nutzo for Rodney. Tuesday and Wednesday he was on the ranges from 6 till 11, had a normal day yesterday (but with tons of talk of the 5 fallen soldiers and the 1 that died on the Terry Fox Run) and today he is going to Ottawa. Petawawa is a very sad town today! With the wounded coming home and the funerals for the 5 fallen in Afganistan. It is getting closer and closer to home. A friend of ours, Jamie knew 2 (possibly 3 - I cant remember) of the fallen from Afganistan. Her boyfriend and R's cousin's husband is over there right now.

So it looks like Rodney is gone until into the late evening/night tonight. So, my afternoon consists of taking Shayde to the groomer, going to the bank, registering Shayde, picking some things (including wine and coolers), picking up Shayde from the groomer and then coming home and doing laundry (mostly combats) and working on Anatomy. YEEHAW!

I almost forgot. I got a job in retail. Its shitty pay but a 50% dicount so Im thrilled about that. I also have a care giving job interview tommorrow and an interview on base on Tuesday for Recreation Programmer. YEEHAW!!! Petawawa is proving to have more opportunities than I thought. But then again...the bumpy road called my life is starting to smooth out and its much better when riding with someone beside me rather than alone.

~

-ps- we have been talking more about getting married! :) Still looking at the summer of 08, but it will be tough, Ill be start at either Ottawa U or Nippising that fall for the Bed program.

2006-09-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday September 5, 2006 - Facing Reality, Facing Mortality

Condolences just arent enough for the 5 families of those 5 soldiers killed in Afganistan over the long weekend. I couldnt sleep last night, so many thoughts running through my head. Rodney is on the list to go, if not February (which he and most of the times I want) then for sure in November. Yes, I want him to go, most of the time. It is his job as a soldier and he is more than overdue to serve there. Of course the risk is growing higher and higher and I would be more than devastated should anything happen - but - I believe that God has a plan and if Rodney is to die young, he will. Whether it be serving his country or in a car or walking down the street. Of course I am selfish when it comes to things like this...no wife or girlfriend wants their husband or boyfriend to be gone for 6 months, to see the things he sees, hears the things he hears nor bring them back to "normal" life. But then I think about the soldiers and the families, especially here in Petawawa who have had no choice but to have 2 or 3 tours in the last 4 years, while guys in Kingston, Trenton and all over Canada haven't had one at all. Rodney has had 2 tours, short ones, but two none the less. Afganistan and Africa. So I feel, and I think he feels, that he owes his fellow soldiers at least one more - of 6 months. I know if I was in the position of Rodney having 2 tours in a few years, I would be protesting. And hell it might come down to that. As the base camp grows, more support crews are needed. Even more hellish, the way things are going it might not even matter who you are or what your trade is - the Afgannies are ruthless and want NATO out of their country - its going to take many years for this to end. It sickens me that our military is PEACEKEEPING! We arent Americans! And everyone KNEW that voting in Harper meant a huge military ordeal....so...on behalf of all of the military families - THANK YOU TO THE CONSERVATIVES for voting in Harper and putting all of our soldiers in harms way. Yes...thank you. And for Harper to say he is deeply saddened by the last fallen soldier on account of AMERICAN FIRE - oh dear god...this whole operation doesnt make any sense anymore. Bush wants our help in the War Against Terrorism - but really...we are terrorists in their country... and then we get sent to the front lines when BOTH Harper and Bush know that PEACEKEEPERS dont belong there, let alone reservists. But we are Canadians and we do it anyway. And then... an Amercian plane shoots at us! MAKE UP YOUR F-ING minds who you want on your side!
I really hope that after the family of the young Pte who was killed on the account of the Americans speaks up and speaks up LOUD!
In my opinion...Harper just hung himself as being voted in a second time for PM. The Canadian Military families make up a huge portion of this great nation...and there are a lot of pissed off people.

Anyways...enough of that...my blood is boiling enough. Should Rodney get the Feb07 tour, we will be buying a house this tme next year - which makes me oh so happy! Which will just be oh so convienent! We will just get the PMQ set to the way we want it and BOOM move again! So I think within the next year Mr Keeping and I will have to sit down and have a chat about moving...because...with my moving record...we will get settled in the newly bought house and BOOM posted somewhere else or BOOM he is getting out of the army and Im sure as hell NOT staying here if he gets his release. hahaha I met a man that brings just as much chaos as I do!

So we survived the really crappy weather weekend. We put up some solar lights, the office book shelf, an army gear shelf, a table for the fish tank and went visiting! We visited Rodney's first cousin who just had a baby - Evan. What a friggen cute baby!! Her mom, Rodney's mom's sister, is here from NFLD. It was really nice to finally meet some of his family. The father of the baby - DJ - is currently overseas. He is an armoured soldier. He left days after baby Evan was born. Can you imagine????? Nothing like a dedicated soldier. We are praying for a save return.

Today I got my first taste of army reality. Rodney was out of the house by 6ish to hit the ranges (shooting practice) and he will be there till 1130ish tonight. He called about a half hour ago and asked me to pick up some munchies for tommorrow. They are back out there for 530am till 1130. I say they get Friday off! :)

We are also waiting to hear about the upcoming excercises in NB and AB, 2 weeks and 6 weeks respectively. I think waiting to know is the hardest part.

~

2006-09-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

Saturday September 2

Well its official!!!!!! Rodney and I are officially living together!!! Living on base isnt all that bad - Im really starting to love our cosy 3 bedroom place! A few rooms are still in semi chaos. :)
Our bedroom is done - I LOVE OUR NEW BED!!!! Thank god for Queen Sized beds!!! So much room! ;) We are currently saving up for 3 dressers - I cannot believe the amount of clothes we have! And we are purging down too!
The bathroom is done - I have too much crap and I am well aware of that. I do want to get a few cute little photos for one piece of wall that is pretty bare.
The offie is coming along. We are getting 1 (or 2) bookcases tommorrow for all of my text books etc. I think Im going to try selling some of the ones I know Ill never use again. I wonder if AU buys back? hmmm
Justin's room is complete chaos!!! The futon isnt together and there is a miss mash of everyone's in there. We are getting new nuts and bolts tommorrow so the futon is going up tommororw or Monday for sure.
The living is awesome! I love it. Just the fish tank to set up. We are getting a stand tommorrow.
The kitchen is almost done. We just need the table and chairs from my dad - the table is FIXED!!! We are also looking for "kitchen wall art" Its not easy to find.
The basement is total chaos - I hate going down there. People weren't kidding when they said that when you marry a soldier you marry the military....there is SO much cam. pattern stuff and army green stuff I want to just burn it all!!!! hehehe But we are making progress. He is taking some things into work to store there and taking other stuff to the army surplus (the stuff that is out of date)

So...I have offically decided to NOT do an at home day care. We went over our finances and although we are not having a joint bank account, we are going to support each other. So I am going to work part time (I have an interview on Tuesday) and then Ill be putting up tutoring signs. Im also going to contact some of the local principles around to see if any of them can hook me up. Our biggest thing is me finishing my degree and then working on a B.ed. Im really excited for all of this happening. He has been such a great source of support in leaving the Nanny job and ensuring me that things WILL work. Not everything is fueled by love. Im still thinking about a living contract.

All in all..the last little while has been really stressful - including some things that arent talked about in this blog out of respect for a little 8 year old boy. But all in all...I feel 100% supported and supportive in a relationship - something I have never felt before. Its damn scary but feel amazing.

Speaking of amazing - Rodney's cooking dinner and it smells AMAZING!!!

~

2006-08-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

Saturday August 26, 2006

After the Nursery School interview, all I have been able to think about is them telling me Ill never work in a preschool/nursery school because I refuse to take ECE. After Im finished school I could teach ECE thank you. And boy, when someone tells me that I am not good enough or implies it that fuels me. BIG TIME. The thing with me is I never feel like I have to prove myself to anyone. I give my best and if people dont like it - not my problem. So in this brainstorming, planning and soon to be executing - is by no means to show those people who and what I am. I want to be a pre/nursrey school teacher. After doing some research before my interview, I've found it to be something that I feel I would really enjoy.

So here is the plan. Im converting our basement (Rodney has already given the green light and is so damn supportive!), well about half of our basement into the preschool. I have a tentative floor plan and realize that start up costs are going to be pretty steep but we are getting prepared. Some basic changes will happen like a faux wall separating the room into two separate ones and painting 2 walls either yellow or green. One wall will have a huge bullentin board to display art work and the weekly schedule for parents. At the bottom of the stairs will be the coats, mitts, hats and backpack area. No boots/shoes - they will stay upstairs for Shayde to sniff all day. Another wall will be the blackboard and the painting area. The faux wall Im thinking or storage for toys, books etc. Ill have a table and stools for coloring, finger painting etc.

I will accept toddlers (2 to 4ish) because the development age is so broad that it would be tough accomodating 3 different development stages for something like this. Nappers are welcome ;) and Ill take potty trainees.

I have a rough daily schedule that includes daily art time, circle time, learning time, free play, nap/quiet time, outside time etc etc etc Most three year olds nap for even an hour so I should be good for at least an hour break. If not - no biggie. Im thinking 730 would be the earliest Id accept a child and 5 would be the latest I could keep them. The most I am thinking of taking is three full dayers. Id take a fourth if it was a kindergardener, because they are only 2 or three days a week.

So far for outside time Im thinking in our front/back yard - which we will get fenced in (YIPEEE) and then maybe every Friday we would walk to the near by park for extended outdoor play (weather permitting). Im also thinking in the summer months that once in a while I would convince the parents to leave car seats and borrow my mom's van and take them to the beach or a paddling pool (Petawawa needs a splash pad like the base in Kingston) and possibly in the winter months taking them to the new indoor kids play ground.

I am finding planning pretty easy to do. Sunday evenings will most likely be spent preparing for the week and you bet your ass that Ill be getting Rodney involved.

Yes its going to be informal but Im hoping that any of my parents will speak up about the structure, activities and learning. Experience is experience.

I have totally changed my education plan.

Im switching from a 4 year to a 3 year psychology degree. Then Ill be taking the one year BA in education offered at Nippising or Ottawa U. So basically in the same amount of time as getting a 4 year Psychology degree Ill have a psych degree and a degree in education. BOOYA! Depending on where Rodney and I are in the relationship, I may take a year or two or three off and be a primary school teacher for the formal experience and (moreso) a break from papers and reading. This would allow me time to (ahem) plan a wedding or have a baby (ahem). I would them most definitly return to school and complete a masters in education. BOOM DONE! If I go nonstop from now till Im done the Masters of Education, Im looking at 5 or 6 years. 31 and starting a family? maybe. Rodney will be 40 though. eiik. Get the 2 undergrads...pop the two kids out and then go back to school? Bah Im not worried. Either or Ill be happy.

So that is the latest!

2006-08-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Monday August 21, 2006

Alright alright...I guess its time. Although I could sum things up in a matter of a few words...right now is a slight up with a whole bunch of twists and turns.
Rodney is in Petawawa and I think he is starting to really mesh in with the guys. The P.T. has kicked up a good notch, so he is being whipped into shape! Damn he is hot!
I work quite abit in Kingston over the next three weeks, so this is going to be tough. Not only being here and R being in Pet but I have nothing here. I have my Human Anatomy and Physiology books and nice shiny silver lap top so Im sure Ill keep busy!

I had the interview and it was rather interesting. Four women asking question and taking notes. They were running a half hour late and the interview was about an hour and a half. I rocked the demonstration. They loved the props that I brought for the story and the song went well!! When they asked if I was putting my degree on hold to take ECE or if Ill wait until after my degree...I literally said "pardon????" So the woman said it again, and I said...I have no intentions what so ever of taking ECE. All four of them got these digusted looks on their faces and asked why. And boy was I truthful! Why would I take a 2 year diploma when I already know everything that is offered and have way more theory. So I was told that I will never work in a preschool or a nursery school OR a day care because the Ontario Nursery School and Day Care Act is weeding out all of the teachers that dont have ECE. At this point I know they arent going to hire me. So then one of them asks me for my three reference letters, which I dont have because noone told me to have letters. And when I initially called about the job and where to send my resume, the woman (who was the woman that asked me for the letters) told me that names and phone numbers attached to my resume was great. (hmmm?) Then she asks for a copy of a Criminal Reference Check. Yah ok...they wouldnt take the one I had before....they want one from yesterday. Again, had they told me this, I would have done it. At this point Im really trying hard to not tell them off. Then Im asked for a medical certificate for them to photocopy. Um...who carries a copy of that??? So I told them that I wouldnt be able to get one from my family doc because she isnt booking physicals until November. Now they are just completely disappointed. So I pulled out the letter that they sent me as a confirmation of the interview to double check that they didnt infact ask for this. Nope! So...when I walked out...I was ceratin that they already knew who they were going to hire....so...ladies...thank you SO MUCH for wasting my time!

Now I want to get one thing straight. I am by NO means dissing ECE. I applied and got accepted to ECE when I was applying to schools and I probably SHOULD have taken it. I also have a really good friend that took the program and is WONDERFUL and does a great job! My problem is that there are many people out there with other credentials that are GREAT with kids and make great teachers. Please tell me how a 20 year old ece grad with no experience is better than someone with university education, years of experience and references to boot? WTF!!!!

After all of this...maybe I should set up my own private nursery school/preschool!!!

So the opportunities in the area now are McDonalds = NO, Pizza Pizza = NO and the new call center = you have to be kidding me!!! So Im really not sure what's going to happen now. I gave Mary another month of work which is really only 2 weeks (the first and the third week)
An informal (to start) DayCare/Nursery school is definitely an option. We have a finished basement that could be shared if we block off the back so the kids dont play around the washer and dryer and his army gear. Everything would be worked around what the children's ages are but I would take 3 toddlers to kick things off. Its still all in the early stages of development.

I really hate it when someone implies that Im not good enough! I know Im a great Nanny and I know Im an excellent teacher!

I think that is it for now.

2006-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Friday July 28th

Just a quickie post. Interview has changed to August 16th at 6pm. Rodney's stuff was packed and shipped to Petawawa, so he is staying here for the weekend and then we head up for him to clear in and get the new place! AHHH I guess I should figure out how to add a photo album to this thing. Any ideas or helpful hints?

More to follow including some personal email reponses!

:)

2006-07-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

Tuesday July 25, 2006

You would think that when having an entire week off, I would post more. HA! I went home to Lapasse for the week and let me tell you - my mother had lists upon lists of things for me to do. It was simply, INSANE! Im glad though, that I could take the time to get some things done for her.

I finally went up to Nanny and Papa's headstone for the first time since Nanny passed away. I stood there, just staring at the markings. It still doesnt seem right. I really dont like how the soil ontop of her site is still soil and not grass. There was bird poopoo all over the headstone so on Sunday, Rodney and I went up and I cleaned it off. We also put a solar humming bird light thingy beside. When Rodney and I were up there, I tried so hard to fight back the tears but I couldnt help it. I wish, so bad, that they could have met.

Rodney spent most of the day helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard. Im glad that the two of them had some bonding time. My father is soooo quite and reserved these days - but Im sure Rodney talked up a storm. Im so glad that Rodney offers to help my parents out in any way. For my boyfriend and parents to get along is sooo important! Im really hoping that Rodney's parents and I are able to build that.

Tommorrow the movers come to pack up and load up the moving truck (well between tommorrow and Thursday) at Rodneys. So tonight, R and I are renting a truck in town, and moving ALL of my stuff to his place. hehehe Ill pay like 40 bucks rather than 400 in a month. Makes sense to me! :) I think that is why I havent slept in two days. He is leaving, my stuff is leaving. We have a place, a new phone number - everything is ready. Am I?

Am I ready to move in? Am I ready to get serious? Ive been living at R's since the house hunting trip and I wouldnt have it any other way. So then why am I not sleeping? Im afraid of failure. Im afraid of disspointing him. Im not afraid of things not working out. Im sure they will. If they dont - of course Ill be sad but Ill live.

Maybe Im afraid of finally moving on with my life. Ive been in limbo land for just over 5 years - since Jeremy. The world hasnt made sense in a long time and finally its starting to. Im realizing my dreams again, starting to like who I am and what I've become. Im angry, veryry angry that Ive been in limbo land for so long. I feel like Ive missed so much of my life. Ive missed a good part of my twenties. I have a lot of catching up to do with school and retaking courses that Im not happy with the marks. But Rodney says its all ok. I couldnt have asked for a more supportive guy.

My mom reminded me last week that Im still getting Nanny's engagement ring. Im unsure why she hasnt already given it to me. Im sure it will be hard for her. Is she waiting for something? Ive always wanted that ring - from when I was a little girl - its just so simple and represents so much to me. But I always thought that I would keep it in a safe place or wear it around my neck. I dont feel that way anymore. Now that R and I are talking about getting married - oh boy.

Marriage! Can you you all believe it!!!! We have already talked about certain plans - like getting married in Ontario and then having another ceremony/reception in Newfoundland for his side of the family. He already asked me if I know who will be my bridesmaids! AHHHHHHH I have a few girls in mind and I already know who I will ask to be the master of ceremonies. I have so many ideas for everything. I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More later!

2006-07-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note:

I got a call from the Deep River Nursery School - and I have an interview!!!!! August 14th at 4pm! PRAY FOR ME!

2006-06-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Tuesday June 27th

I guess it's time for an update on whats been going on since the Relay for Life.

First and foremost - I've applied for three jobs in the Pembroke/Petawawa area. One is a Nursery School Teacher in Deep River and a Nursery School Supervisor at the same Nursery School. The other position is on CFB Petawawa at the Military Family Resource Center as a Before and After School Coordinator. All of these jobs would be completely perfect for me. They are part time and pay pretty good. Im actually routing for the Nursery School Teacher position - the job that pays the least. I absolutely LOVE the idea of having my own classroom of little bodies and teaching them the basics of life.

So this is challenging my very early thoughts of becoming a teacher. You'd think that with all of this excitment I would want to be a teacher, but I dont think I do. I want to work in education and I want to work with children, again you'd THINK that teaching would be my primary focus. Nursery schools seem to be popping out all over the place, that could be an option for me. So, my plan now as far as education goes is to get this degree finished and then move onto a masters in education. Early Childhood Education or Cirriculum are of my choice.

Anyways, I told my boss about this and of course she isnt happy. My initial reaction to Rodney being posted, or us for that matter was that I would stay in Kingston until she went on Maternity Leave, which is in October or November. With these two jobs, I just feel that I couldnt not apply. Who knows, maybe everyone up there IS full of crack and I wont get an offer for any of them and I will end up staying until then. Part of me wants to because I just love the girls SO much. But then there is the other part of me that cannot wait to move in (officially) with Rodney and start that part of my life. Basically when I move is job dependent. If I get one of those three positions, I will be moving the weekend of August 25th. I am going to continue applying to jobs (which are scarce) and see what happens.

I REALLY dont want to wait until October/November! But I really dont think its fair to ask Rodney to cover my expenses until I get a job. I guess if I dont get a job by the time that Mary goes on Maternity Leave - Ill apply for Unemployment.

Now that it's official that Rodney and Amanda will be living together (ah we basically are right now), we have taken the intiative to start buying some things. We have pretty much redone the entire kitchen. We bought some square red and black plates - very funky. And everything is based around them. We are planning on getting another set that is in a light orange to contrast the red. I think the entire kitchen will be great! We are also planning on slip covering R's couch and love seat. We bought an area rug last night and will be getting new drapes. So within the next few years we should be completely ready for a house! :) we also have money set aside for a completely new bedroom set from IKEA! AHHH I cannot wait! This makes me wonder what we are going to put on our registry when we get married.

Yes that is right, I said the M word. No engagement yet but the M word has been thrown out into the air! (see the House Hunting post)

On Saturday June 24, I was off from work and we decided to have a productive day. We did at least 4 loads of laundry and hung them all on the clothes line. We went through R's closet and got rid of SO many shirts! What is it with men and their shirts! My goodness! Some were obvious toss but others we bagged up and will be taken to GoodWill. R BBQed steaks and quartered potatoes and we had veggies with it. Damn it was good. (Excellent cook he is!) Then we snuggled up on the couch and watched Mr and Mrs Smith with some crackers and a cheese ball. Our day wasn't eventful and we didn't do anything to write home abouth but it felt like a weekend day that most couples have and it felt great. To know that I can enjoy that side of being a coule with this man is a wonderful feeling.

The next month includes continuing to help R go through stuff, go through my own crap, bring stuff to R's that I dont need right now so that the moviers can bring it to Pet for me (hey its free!), working on my current four courses and working out to the Tae Bo video that I have. (my first attempt is tommorrow)

-I'll also do my best to continue to post more regularly-

2006-06-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Relay For Life – June 2006

June 2, 2006 – The Canadian Cancer Society held their annual Relay for Life in Kingston at RMC. Stace and I wanted to do the Relay last year but we didn’t hear about it in time. So this year, we got everything started early – although it didn’t seem early enough.

I was volun-told by Stace to be the Team Captain and I’m really glad I did and hope to be next year! Our team consisted of
Myself
My mom
Stace
Rodney
Lori (cousin)
Erin (cousin)
Ashleigh (friend of Stace)
Morgan (friend of Stace)
Val (friend of Stace)
Our team was excellent with raising money! Unfortunately, Lori and Erin couldn’t make it but raised money none the less!

We decided that our team name would be Yellow Angels and attempted to get everything YELLOW! There were some really good other names and themes. Other themes that I am considering for next year:
• Hawaiian
• Family Ties
• Fighting Cancer

Even though we got there (and were set up) before the start time of 7pm, I feel that we could have easily gotten there a few hours before. We had our screen tent, Morgan brought her sleeping tent but I think for next year we should have 2 screen tents. We brought a table and some chairs. Stace dealt some BlackJack throughout the night, which was cool. There was an MC and everything started with the Cancer Survivor’s Lap. We weren’t involved with that which is really too bad…I got pretty sad when they were announcing it, I would have loved to have watched Nanny walk that lap.
For the first little bit, lots of people were lapping. I had to go wait in line to hand in money. ESH! There was a silent auction, a little store and even reps from Avon giving out free mini shoulder rubs and hand massages. I don’t think anyone from our team took advantage of that. I mainly walked with Rodney or my mom. I think I might have walked one lap with Stace. Hopefully next year Stace and I will get more time.
There was some pretty good live entertainment, but we were at the back of the track so we couldn’t see or hear much.
At dusk, everyone there was instructed to start lighting the luminaries. The luminaries were white paper bags with sand covering the bottom. Set inside the sand was a large votive candle in a glass tube. There were thousands of these! After they were all lit, there was a moment of silence and AMAZING GRACE was played. And the water works started! Stace found one of Nanny’s and Rodney and I found the others. We were able to light the luminaries that were bought for Nanny, Uncle Vince and Uncle Gerry. My mom bought one for her great aunt Alice but we couldn’t find it. ☹ I am so glad that Rodney was there to share that moment with me. I do wish (very much) that he could have met Nanny and Papa, but that was very special to me.

Over the course of the night, we all took turns walking around the track, listening to the awesome entertainment and chatted. We brought loads of food. My mom always makes sure that everyone is well fed. Veggie trays, fruit trays, cookies, pop, a whole case of water. The girls (Stace, Morgan, Ash and Val) made a few Tim Horton’s runs. Good girls. At one point, Morgan and Ash went into the sleeping tent for some shut eye. But that didn’t last too long.

Around 3ish Stace, Ash, Val and Morgan left. Partly because it started to sprinkle. I will admit that I was disappointed, not so much at Stace, she had to be at work in a matter of hours after leaving – and man was she exhausted after work that next day. So this left Rodney, my mom and myself. A few more laps and then the Relay Idol started. Most of the singers were TERRIBLE! One dude even wrote and sang his own rap about brushing your teeth. My mom found this quite humorous. Around 430ish, the rain really started coming down, so we pulled everything under the shelter. My mom curled up on the air mattress and snoozed. I curled up on one of the chairs and rested my eyes ;) At 5ish, Rodney and I decided that the rain was getting too heavy and we were burning out. So we started packing everything up and let my mom snooze a little more. We were out of RMC by 6 or 630. It’s a good thing because the track was SO muddy and I was freezing. My mom went back to my place and I headed to Rodney’s with him.

Although I had such a wonderful time and feel really felt like I was a part of a great cause…I do regret not being able to be more organized, and especially not staying until the closing ceremonies.

Next year, we will be in Petawawa and will be much more prepared.

Thank you to all of you who supported and pledged me (and my team)!

2006-06-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

HOUSE HUNTING TRIP – PETAWAWA

If you asked me a year ago if I’d ever move back to the Pembroke area I would have told you that you were crazy. And yet…just over a year later I found myself looking at houses in PEMBROKE and the surrounding area. Fate and God are determined to keep me in the area for some reason.

Day 1
Rodney and I left Saturday afternoon, with a loaded car and Shayde. Although we both appeared relatively calm, I was loosing my mind inside and my stomach was flip -flopping. The drive up was nice, we took Hwy 15 to the 7 to the 417. Shayde, although usually a great traveler, started whining as we approached Pakenham (a small village with a great ski hill). We stopped at the picnic area so he could “use the grass” and get a little stretch. Rodney immediately pulled out his camera and start snapping photos. The more we are together the more I know he is a little “snap happy.” But it’s so cute! And with a digital camera we aren’t wasting any film. All I was thinking was lovely he is going to document every minute of this trip with photos. ?
We buckled Shayde back up – yes he sits in the backseat, behind me and now has a seatbelt.
We made it to Pembroke and to the hotel, checked in and Rodney lugged almost everything in while I walked around with Shayde. Holy crap it was hot there!! Poor Shaydey needs a haircut, or a shave! I called my mom and we got BACK in the car and drove to Lapasse. 25 mins later, Rodney got to see my home, Lapasse and meet the psycho dog Mandy. Mandy was glad to see me but not so much with Shayde. Shayde is a huge threat to Mandy for attention from my mom. So they had a little fight and then Shayde wanted to get frisky with her. We went to dinner with my mom at the local restaurant and then got BACK in the car and drive back to Pembroke. I was soooooo tired by the time I got to bed. We ended up with a one-bedroom suite and a fireplace… too bad it was killer hot and we didn’t want it on. ?

Day 2
We all slept in and had a lazy morning. Finally a true Sunday! Hunger hit both of us like a ton of bricks so we ventured to the Irving Truck stop for a very healthy lunch! YAY us! Poor Shayde had to stay in the car ? We took today as a “drive around the base day” to find where Rodney will be working. The base isn’t really that big but we managed to get a little lost. Hehe Turns out his new work home is way back in the boondocks of the base. I guess they hide the Linemen away from civilization. I wanted to take a photo but a van pulled up and one of R’s future coworkers got out and went in. and he was already looking at us like morons for being back there. Taking a photo might have labeled us as Afghani spies or something.
Off we went to the PMQ (Private Married Quarters). There are two sections – the north side and the south side. We looked at the North side first. Pretty nice, some vacant super nice places that both of us want and are hoping to look at. Found the South Side – definitely not as impressive. That side needs more work. We both agreed that we want to live on the north side – IF we move on base. Because I know the area a little, I was able to show him around. We went to a really nice walking trail that isn’t too fair from base. It’s totally in the woods and from what I can remember, hardly used. We stopped there for a bit, and let Shayde off the leash so he could burn off some energy. He thought it was great! ? I couldn’t easily see that place as a routine for us. Back in the car we got (I’m already sick of seeing the interior of my car) and went to the hotel. Mom was off work now, so we met her at the wonderful Pembroke Mall – haha it’s small and has virtually nothing in it. We did a little bit of Relay for Life shopping and then R and I went to Wal-Mart, while my mom went home to take her poochie out and pick up my dad. At Wal-Mart, we found a cute gift for Damian (friend of R’s son – we are going to his birthday party on Saturday), a bubble blowing lawn mower. We also picked up some snacks and drinks for the hotel. I must say, I didn’t know R liked gross things. I was leery about the wieners in a can that he bought, my stomach turned when I caught whiff of them and I almost threw up when I tasted one. I couldn’t even chew or swallow it. ECK
Since the plan was to meet my parents at the movie theatre and we didn’t have a lot of time, we grabbed DQ and went to the Marina. Then we had a Beaver Tail. R’s first time – I still cannot believe he hadn’t had one!!! MMM they are SO yummy, but the ones at WinterLude are greasier. ? My parents arrived together and ON TIME for the FIRST TIME IN GERVAIS history! Simply amazing! We saw The Divinci Code. Loved it! Definitely a buyer!!!
After the movie, we went back to the hotel and crashed!

Day 3
Oh yet another lazy morning – I’m starting to really like house hunting! Too bad it’s so damn hot! We have A/C but it sounds like a tank and really annoys R. (Starting to see things that annoy him – excellent) So R dragged me out of bed, Shayde wasn’t too thrilled either. That dog will stay in bed as long as I do – I tested him one night – we went to bed around midnight and I stayed in bed reading until 11 and he was content snoozing beside me. Anyways…we had breakfast and then headed up to base again. This time R went into headquarters and then we went to housing – both places I got to sit in the car – as I’m not “on the books” as a dependent. Interesting term that they use! Found out that we wont actually SEE a place until they pick one out for us. So what was the point of doing this when we have to turn around and go back there within 72 hours of them telling R what they have chosen. So…back to the hotel…Shayde and I had a nice little nap. ? R tidied up the clothes (mostly of mine) that were scattered everywhere (he is so domesticated – its great!) I woke up starving to death so we headed to Kelsey’s – where they have THE BESTEST bruschetta! YUMMY! We wanted to play mini putt but the good place in Pet wasn’t open yet – bummer ? So we drove around Petawawa some more and found a cute little fixer-upper, which sparked lots of conversation.
Had a nice quiet evening at the hotel with my 2 favorite boys. I took on some of the knitting that I’ve started. We still aren’t happy with the heat and the A/C still annoys R! hehehe

Day 4
And she sleeps in again! YAH! Definitely enjoying this! I wasn’t up long before being told that Shayde has made a liar out of me about holding his need to peepee. Apparently last night around 3ish, Shayde woke R up and needed to go outside. Hehehe That is right – he woke up Daddy! HAHAHAHA GOOD SHAYDE! Today we headed to Lapasse for the day. Spent some time with Mom, chatting about some things, we put up the new screen tent that I bought. Super easy and looks great! So great that my mom made me leave it there and she bought me another one! She is turning into her parents – I recall Nanny and Papa doing that on occasion ? While we were looking more at the house, I noticed a lot of exterior work that needs to be done. Most of what I saw is cosmetic and I know of things that need to be done that are necessary. The pool fence needs another coat of paint, the entire pool area needs a good cleaning, the pool deck needs to be fixed and painted, the front porch needs to be stripped and painted and the driveway needs to be lifted – releveled and the interlocking stones need to be put down again.
In the midst of all this mom went to get Terry for his regular Tuesday visit. Today R met a lot of new people – Terry, Linda, MaryLou, Mona, Erin and Jen. Both R and Terry were quiet around each other, which I expected and Terry was in a huge bad mood because of the heat.
Before dinner, R went out to uncover the central air conditioning thing and hose it down so we could turn it on. Good Rodney! ? My mom was happy that he offered and completed what he said he would do. (A lot of that doesn’t happen in our family) So we had dinner (mom, dad, Terry, R and myself) and was pretty good! Linda and Erin graced us with their presence during dinner (I really hate when they do that – especially when they KNOW we are sitting down for dinner – and I really hate that Linda expects people to offer her booze wherever she goes) So after dinner, we cleaned up the kitchen for my mom (she went to beddie because she was working nights) and then we headed back to Pembroke. R made some phone calls – called mommy and Justin. It’s just too cute listening to him talk to Justin on the phone. Pretty good day - I was tired. ?

Day 5

Up at a decent time – certainly NOT 7am or anything ? Went to the bank to inquire about a mortgage – was in there for a while. Walked back to the car, my purse AND keys are on the passenger side seat and the car is locked. ARGH! R found this VERY funny. I did have my cell, so I called Hyundai and they gave me the number for my road side assistance that came free with the lease – good thing! My spare key is in KINGSTON with Stace. So I called, said within the hour. Lovely! R still finds this sooo funny and cannot wait to tell people. I sent him to Pizza Pizza for lunch and we dined with style on the side of the road. ? Finally got the car unlocked and had to head BACK to the base to housing for R to sign something. I’m still not impressed with not being able to choose a place. We did drive around more of the PMQ area and saw some really nice vacant ones. (crossing my fingers) I want a three bedroom.
We spent another relaxing evening in, chatting and I actually did some course work! YAY! Abnormal Psychology was the winner tonight! Ding ding ding!

Day 6

Ick –it’s hot out! I think we made it out of the room around 1130. We were sooooo slow moving this morning. R did something to his neck while sleeping – YES WHILE SLEEPING! So he was stiff and sore ? Ate drive-thru on the way BACK to Lapasse – my poor car did NOT miss this area! Dropped Shayde off at mom’s and we headed to Ottawa. First stop in Ottawa was Staples – nothing special – I needed some inserts for my day planner. Second stop was Canadian Tire, where we spent far too much time there. We were buying a new screen tent! Couldn’t find one at first, then we tried getting it on sale and that turned into a mini nightmare! We ended up with a super newbie, most likely his first day or his comprehension or listening skills were not functioning because he rang the price in wrong and then wouldn’t fix it. He sent us to Customer Service. So we had to walk out the store and right back in. The woman at CS was great – but she couldn’t give me my money back, so we had to go to a cashier and get it. Esh! The cashier had NO idea what we were talking about, frankly I think that she just didn’t listen to me. Between her, another weirdo cashier and the shift manager – NOONE listened to the situation but I ended up with my money. Next stop was RBC – woooooweeee aren’t we exciting! ?
We finally made it to IKEA! YIPPEE! There was a tent sale – but nothing caught my eye. So many nice rooms. I’m really thinking that they should have room sales – everything in the room for a great discounted price. ? Mostly, we were there looking at beds and bedroom stuff. I picked up 6 white and 6 red wine glasses – I’m thinking that I should have bought 2 more of each. (next time ?) Found a set that we both really like. The MALM set, if anyone wants to check it out. It would (obviously) be the dark brown finish. At this trip, neither of us spent a wack of money. We know that we will be soon. But I bought some funky ice cube trays and R bought some glass rocks for the newly acquired fish tank. (I have a feeling that we are going to house a lot of animals before children – I’m pushing for another puppy when I move up)
When walking out, R spotted a little fair at the other end of the parking lot – esh – and he wants to go. Good thing we have plans to meet Michelle and Brent! We did get out of IKEA earlier than expected (even though we were in there for a good couple hours) so we just hung out in the car yapping. We were joined by the Gould’s and headed into the restaurant – Milestones – and boy was it good! ? I had a great time! Hopefully we’ll get to see more of them after we get settled in the new place. Speaking of new place, they are moving into their new house! Congrads again! Please let us know when the house warming is!
Made it back to Lapasse not too too late, picked up Shaydey and headed back to the hotel. (Alright Rodney – any time now we can add you to the insurance – I’m tired of driving all over again from just talking about it)

Day 7

YAWN! Early morning! But I’m not going to tell you that R let me sleep a little and he packed almost everything up! I hope this man never changes! ? We left a little later than we wanted to but made it back to Kingston in lots of time to prep for the Relay for Life.

So, we survived an entire week together, morning, noon and night. All is good! And this woman is damn happy!

Hopefully we find out soon about the PMQ!

2006-05-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

Relationship Agreements

After reading a few great chapters in my "Marriages and Families" text of my Sociology of Families course...I have decided that this particular portion of the Defining Your Marriage and Families chapter is something that I am going to consider implementing in my life and current relationship. Its about relationships, marriages in particular. Marriage agreements. Although I found this alittle controlling...after thoroughly reading it...it seems like a pretty good idea. I think that this can be applied to couples when agreeing their relationship is becoming serious, moving intogether, and of course marriage.

A personal relationship agreement involves articulating, negotiating and coming to some agreement on expectations about how you and your partner will behave. Moreover, to develop flexible relationships, partners need to reneotiate their agreements often, to keep the relationships pliable enough to accomodate the changes in two people over time.

In drawing up a personal relationship agreement, people begin by separately writing down their expectations about their relationship. Even if they are single and not seriously involved in a relationship, thinking about and writing down their expectations about intimate relationships in important for self-understanding. Later the couple can compare and negotiate the differences in their expectations. The result is a working relationship agreement.

Reasons for a Relationship Agreement:
1. It helps partners to be aware of and avoid choosing closed relationships/marriages by default 2. Partners need to articluate the primary focus of their relationship/marriage.
3. Writing an agreement can allow partners to understand each other's role expectations.
- differentiated roles can be satisfying if both partners accept the arrangement
4. Partners may have different ideas of what marriage means and different expectations about how they will behave in the relationship as it grows.
5. Love during the early years of the relationship is often blind.
- courting partners often romanticize each other, creating images and refusing to see anything that contradicts those images.
6. Can also include divisions of property between a current spouse and children of an earlier marriage/relationship or between the couple
- prospective remarriage/relationship partners are more likely to see a need for a premarital/relationship contract to clarify financial obligations because the potentional for future conflict is obvious.
- to prevent financial abuse
- property is divided fairly in the case of separation/divorce

A Relationship Agreement should consider the following basic questions, along with any others that are important to the particular couple:

Preliminary statement of relationship goals
Will you aim primarily at developing intimacy?
Or do you want to emphasize more practical advantages, such as economic security or someone to share a household with, for example?
What kind of relationship do you and your partner realistically anticipate?
How do you feel about devitalized relationships? (a relationship that has been sustained for a good length of time, but has lost its original zest, intimacy and meaning)

Provisions for revision and renewel of contract
Because spouses change, relationship agreements need to be rewritten often. Couples can plan to discuss and revise their agreements periodically:
examples:
- every 6 months
- every year
- when moving in together
- upon engagement
- prior to marriage
- prior to having children
Ideally they agree that their contract is a living document to be renegotioated and changed any time one partner feels the need.
Is there any part of this contract that you think now you would never, under any circumstances consider changing?

Provisions for dissolution of the legal marriage/relationship
When should a relationship/marriage be dissolved and under what conditions?
How long and in what ways would you work on the unsatisfactory relationship before dissolving it?

Decision making and disvision of labour
Will decisions be made equally?
Will there be a principle breadwinner?
Or will partners equally share responsibility for earning money?
How will funds be allocated?
Will there be his, her, our money?
Or will all money be pooled?
Who is the owner of the family property?
Will there be a principle homemaker?
Or will domestic chores be shared?

Religious beliefs and practices and educational goals
What are your religious values?
Do you expect your partner to share them?
Will you attent church services together?
How often?
If you are of a different religion from your mate, whose church will you attend on special religious holidays?
What about the children's religion?
What are your educational goals?
What educational goals fo you expect your partner to have?
Under what circumstances could you or your partner put aside wage-earning or housekeeping responsibilities to pursue advanced education?

Relationship with other relatives
How will you relate to your own and to your spouse's relatives?
How do you expect your partner to relate to them?
Will you expect to share many or most activities with relatives?
Or do you prefer more couple togetherness, discouraging activities with relatives?

Children
Whose responsibility is birth control and what kind of contraception will you use?
What is your attitude to unwanted pregnancy: abortion? keeping and rearing the child? adoption?
Do you want children?
If so, how many and how would you like to space them?
How will you allocate child-rearing responsibilities and tasks?
Will either spouse be primarily responsible for discipline?
What are some of your values about rearing children?
What are the roles/expectations of stepparents?

Expectations for sexual relations
Can you discuss your sexual needs and desires openly with your partner?
Are there sexual activities that you consider distasteful and would prefer not to engage in?
How would you expect to deal with either your own or your partner's sexual dysfunction if that occured?

Extramarital frienships and sexual relations
How much time and how much intimate information will you share with friends other than your partner?
What is your attitude toward friendships with people of the opposite sex?
How about Internet friends?
Would you ever consider having sex with someone other than your mate?
If so, under what circumstances?
How would you react if your partner were to have sex with another person?
What are your feelings for relationships with previous partners?

Privacy expectations
How much time alone do you need?
How much are you willing to allow your partner?
Will you buy a larger house or rent a bigger apartment so that each partner can have private space?

Communication expectations
Will you purposely set aside time to talk with each other?
What topics do you like to talk about?
What topics do you dislike?
Are you willing to try to become more comfortable about discussing these?
If communication becomes difficult, will you go to a marriage counsellor?
If so, what percentage of your income would you be willing to pay for marriage counselling?

Vacations
What kinds of vacations will you take?
Will you take couple-only vacations?
Will you take separate vacations?
If so, how often and what kind?

Definitions of terms
What are you own and your partner's personal definitions of;
- primariness
- intimacy
- commitment
- responsibility

2006-05-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Acceso International - 4th Annual Dinner - Celebrating 10 years.

Acceso International was founded in 1996 by Dr. Christine Gervais, a young Canadian woman, who was inspired by her travels in Latin America and the Caribbean. Acutely aware of her own scholarship privileges, she initiated Acceso International to address the disparity between her educational opportunities and those of students in economically disadvantaged countries. She is now joined by over thirty volunteers who share her vision of educational equality. Together, they work to provide educational opportunities for socio-economically disadvantaged children, youth and women in Latin America, the Caribbean and in Canada.

Christine Gervais, is my cousin, an inspiring woman that I have looked up to for years. I remember being 16, hearing about all that Christine and thinking, wow she is going to change the lives of a lot of people in the world. And my God...she has. Not only has she changed lives directly in Latin and South America, but she has opened a lot eyes and hearts to the growing issue of the lack of education in that part of the world. Her foundation is quite personal, she put together a memorial busary in my Papa's name, and I think she is changing it to both of my grandparents. Simply touching!!!
Although I have always been inspired by her, this past weekend, I became very intrigued. I have reread her entire website, and I think that maybe after Im finished my degree...I will volunteer to go overseas to see the children that the Clancy Gervais Memorial Fund has helped, and see if there is any direct contribution that I can make.

http://www.accesointernational.ca/

Not only was this an important weekend for the dinner...but it was also our first road trip together. Cheesy, I know, but it was important to me. We had a great drive up, some great snuggle time in the hotel...for me...it brought on a whole new level of comfort for me.

Something else that really touched my heart was how interested Rodney was in the fundraiser and in the entire foundation. We both loved the meal and the entertainment was great! There was a silent auction that went throughout the evening. Rodney began bidding almost as soon as we got in the door! I bid on a few things. He spotted this GORGEOUS necklace! Onyx and Pearls. Its simply stunning! Now before we left for Ottawa, Rodney mentioned that if we end up going shopping, he would like to get something for his Mom...so I assumed it was for her. Then out of the blue, as the bidding is increasing (rather fast), he tells me how good its going to look on me! ME!!! HOOK LINE AND SINKER!
He ended up bidding over double the valued price and WON!!! After he picked it up, I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and put it on!!!

Sunday, we had a super lazy morning...come to think of it, we dont get to sleep in often (together that is)...then we drove to Arnprior to have lunch with my mom. I was really excited that he said that he cannot wait for next year....oh 10 or 15 times. :)

All in all...what a fabulous weekend!

2006-04-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

Shayde's College - First Session: Successful

Stace, Rodney and I all made it to Shayde's first class. I have questions about the trainors experience and qualifications. Apparently at PetSmart, the trainers are only paid minimum wage...I find this hard to believe, but the source is reliable. Beth, the trainer, seemed all over the place, which was tough for me, because I know most of the terminology and philosophies of learning. Anyways...
There are four other dogs and Beth bring her big cute doggie to demonstrate. One dog is really shy, from the shelter, cute and very friendly. (no interaction with Shayde yet) Another dog is a puppy, looks like a husky, friendly and frisky. (Shayde isnt thrilled with her) Another dog is a small little yappy SheDevil. (no direct interaction with Shayde yet) The last dog came in really late, straggely looking dog but seems ready to take anyone on. The SheDevil and this dog barked hysterically at each other, almost fighting words. Shayde got sooooo scared and hid under Stace's chair. By the end of the session (1hr) Shayde was pretty comfortable with Emma (trainer's doggy)

So in the first hour, it was meet and greet. We also worked on massaging our puppies. Shayde did remarkably well with this. I expected him to loose his mind. I have tried it a few times since, once a day as directed, oops...I missed last night. He is more hesitant at home. But we are working on it. Lots of treats. The first command we worked on is "Look at Me" Shayde is good at this. Its a useful command/cue to grab your dog's attention. On walks it'll be effective if I see a squirrel before Shayde. That rarely happens!
We also worked on what to do when your dog jumps up. Although this is totally cute and I love being greeted to excited Shayde...its apparently NOT acceptable behavior. HUMF.

So we are working on all of this, keeping with the other things she suggested. Although I understand and agree with 99% of it...its overwhelming. Especially when Shayde growls and the water bottle is on the other side of the room. ARGH

We just have to remember to be consistent!!!

I am so impressed with Rodney! The trainer recommended that Shayde have a bed or a blanket in every room, basically the bedroom and the living room. From the get go, Rodney insisted Shayde sleep on his old body pillow, and Shayde seems to like it. Before I could even say anything last Thursday, he flew upstairs and got an old blanket put it in the living room. IMPRESSIVE!!! Ah he is a good man. :)

Im looking forward to this Thursday!

2006-04-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

Really Not Impressed

After being with Rodney for a while, I purchased a yellow ribbon magnet that says "Support Our Troops"...because I always have...and am now dating a soldier. Ah shaddap all of you about my fetish with uniforms!

So the magnet and the mini insert had both been on my car for almost a month. The ribbon the the driver's side and the little triangle thing on the passenger side. On Saturday, I had read that FOUR more Canadian soldiers died overseas, and knew that Rodney would be really upset. I was going to pick him up for dinner (to meet my parents) and as I was walking around the back of the car...NO RIBBON ON MY SIDE!!! The little triangle is still there...but no ribbon. I immediatly looked on the ground (nothing) and then over to my mom's car, to see if Stace had taken it. (nothing) I scanned all the cars around me...nothing.

Now come on...who steals these things. Even if you are anti military...leave my property alone. It was obviously out of the Runnymede building parking lot. Im suprised a stupid Leafs fan hasnt broken my Sens Flag off my car.

Im so pissed off at people in general about this. I wonder how many other people have had this problem. I want to buy another one, but if it gets stolen, I will loose my mind. Id really hate to think that I will have to take them off every time I leave my car unattended!!!!

Alright, my vent is over. Ill buy another one this week.

2006-04-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

Behavior Therapy for DOGS!

My dog, Shayde, has been a central part of my life for 6 years. Through some readings of where he might have come from, its very possible that he was taken from his mother far too early. This is one of the leading causes of dominance and aggression...ontop of Lhasa Apsos being mouthy by nature.

After years of tolerating his dominance, aggression, growling and desire to just be flat out miserable with many other dogs...I have had enough. We encounter many dogs on walks and playing the park and with the growing encounters with children, and wanting to have children at some point in my life....its time for some change with this animal.

PetSmart came to Kingston. I went in with Rodney to just ask some questions about what would be the best option for Shayde. Luckily, I found a really motivated and knowledgable trainer. Even though Shayde knows:
- sit
- down
- sit pretty
- leave it
- come
- roll over
the trainer feels that beginner classes are necessary. Mainly for socialization and to learn STAY. This will also be a good option for aggression because some puppies do have aggression but its "zapped" early on. I now have 6 years of aggression for Shayde to unlearn.

Rodney seems quite willing to participate and has agreed to come to all training sessions. EIGHT WEEKS!!!

One of the techniques that the trainer suggested is the "water bottle" So now I have water bottles in every room. And we have some at Rodney's as well. I also have a bottle for in the care and walks. This trainer wants devotion...she is getting it from this PetParent. I also bought a seat belt for two reasons:
1. Safety. No dog should ride in a car on someone's lap.
2. Aggressive dogs should be in the back seat to encourage that people are the alphas.

I had to buy a new leash for the classes - retrackable leashes are not allowed. It was 10 bucks. Big deal.
I also bought a gentle leader. THIS HAS BEEN TOUGH!!!!!!!!!!
It is basically a halti and discourages pulling and freaking out at other dogs. It certainly does that! Shayde walks on my right side, usually right beside me.
Its getting it ON him that is such a hard task. He never was impressed with this new way of walking. And he would growl but accept his fate that MOMMA was putting this awful thing on his face. And he was always rewarded with a smelly gross treat after it was done up.
All parties that will be directly involved have to be on the same page. Right now, that is me, Stace and Rodney. Stace also said she would try to make the majority of the sessions.
So Stace gives it a shot...Shayde growls, she pulls away. Each time she tried, he would growl louder, start to show teeth and then he snapped at her. I tried encouraging her to just do it and ignore the growling. Of course she doesnt want him to bite her, I dont want him to bite her or anyone else. But the more this happens the harder its going to be for us to train him.
So I ended up putting the leader on and she took him out.
Later last night, I got the leader on and we took garbage and recycling down to the garbage room and at some point on the way down, Shayde got the leader off. Trying to put the leader back on, in the garbage room opened a door of frustration for me. I couldnt get it on him. Right from the first time he was snapping and loosing his mind. After about 5 tries and the super walking in....we had to leave the room. So we just came back upstairs and Shayde didnt go out.

This morning I got the leader on him, took some spraying and lots of coaxing...lots of growling and swearing on my part, but I got the leader on. As much as I didnt want to reward him after all of that, I did. He is a stubborn one.

Our first class is Thursday evening. Wish us luck.

2006-04-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

Questionnaires!
-There are many questionnaires floating around on email these days. But this questionnaire came to me from my sister (I believe from her ethics course). I thinks its great! Please...fill it out as a reply to me!

***BELIEFS***

Part One: Complete the following sentences.
1. Most people as essentially:- greedy- materialistic- self absorbed- consciously ignorant- self destructive
2. The key to a good life is:- knowledge/education- finding a balance between work and family- setting goals and working towards them- putting certain others first- finding your spirit- being true to your soul- accepting and learning from your mistakes
3. The key to getting along with others is:- listening- compromizing- being truthful- patience- accepting your own wrong doings
4. A common unethical practice is:- cheating- lying- stealing- child abuse/neglect- sexual assault- greed- power hungry
5. The downside of group work is:- conflicting personalities- not all voices/ideas being heard
6. The upside of group work is:- multiple ideas/views/opinions- diverse backgrounds- diverse abilities for completing projects
7. The greatest evil is:- selfishness
8. The root of all evil is:- money- greed
9. A "good" person has these qualities:- kind- compassionate- understanding- respectful- considerate- honest
10.If I could make one change on the planet it would be:- putting more wildlife, forests and nature back

Part Two: Answer YES or NO to the following.
1. There is some "evil: is most people. Yes
2. We are all bascially alone. No
3. People achieve more as individuals than they do as groups. No
4. There is no God, no Heaven and hell. No
5. All ehtics is relative( what each person believes is ok). Yes
6. Most people are just out for themselves. Yes
7. Life is controlled by luck and fate. Yes (fate)
8. Most of the time, a solution can be found to most problems. Yes
9. Animals are equal in all ways to humans. No (cognitively, developmentally)-but they should have equal rights for exisitence on the earth, against abuse, neglect and survival
10. Sometimes humans are too smart for their own good. Yes

2006-04-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

10 Things I love about YOU!

There are a lot of people that mean a lot to me in this world. There are a lot of people that have helped shaped who I am today. So this will be a post that is ever evolving. Im going to list people that I want to show gratitude to and then list 10 things that I love about that person. This is part of my self discovery and ensuring that I am surrounding myself with positive influences and a wonderful support network.

Mom
1. your selflessness
2. your ability to forgive
3. the way you listen
4. your sensitivity
5. the things you did for Nanny and Grandpa
6. the way you pushed me and taught me to do my best
7. how you tried so hard to prevent me from failing
8. your constant need to make everyone happy
9. your ambition to do so many things (even if some projects remain unfinished)
10. your need for peace in the world, in the family and with your close relationships

Dad
1. your new found gentleness
2. your stubbornness
3. your perfectionism (regardless of how long it takes you to complete a project)
4. your wierd sense of humor
5. your new found patience
6. your confidence in me that I WILL succeed
7. your interest in my education and knowledge
8. your special relationship with Nanny and Grandpa
9. your strictness about acceptable behavior when I was growing up
10. that you seek and value my advice and suggestions

Stace
1. your need to make others happy
2. your science smarts
3. you believe in me
4. your gentleness
5. your carefree nature
6. your perfectionist personality
7. your infectious laugh
8. your way of looking at things simply
9. your sensitivity
10. your practicality

Nanny
1. your confidence in me
2. your love for Grandpa
3. how you always stood up for what you believe in
4. how you never let anyone push you around
5. your strong ability to raise 5 very different children
6. your ability to forgive
7. your matriarchy
8. your love for the simple things in life
9. your devotion for Grandpa
10. your knowledge, wisdom, instinct and pride

Grandpa
1. your honour
2. you were are a true gentleman
3. your love for Nanny
4. your devotion for Nanny
5. your faith
6. your confidence in me
7. your strong, silent nature
8. your devotion to the Canadian military
9. your patience
10. your support, wisdom, intelligence and confidence

2006-04-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

First Step

One of the hardest things for me is eating. I have a huge sweet tooth. Rodney and I both have HUGE chocolate addictions. He is actually worse than me (I think)!!! We also love eating out. So after I mentioned all of this to him, he seems to be willing to eat healthy, at least with me. Which is great! Last night we were talking about grabbing dinner, and he actually was pushing for something healthy! So we got Subway. He got 6 cookies, I didnt eat any of them! I did, however, eat a few macaroons. One negative point last night was that we drank quite abit of bubbly wine - so Im sure that the calories that I saved at dinner I consumed in the wine.
This morning we had some french toast (2 pieces for me) and a cup of coffee. When I came home, I made a salad, huge salad - composed of lettuce, spinach, carrots, celerey, cheese and onions. I packed some into 2 half whole wheat pitas with some ranch salad dressing. Along with that, I had a huge orange. Excellent lunch. I feel really positive about it.
So, I have to stop buying convience stuff - KD is a good example. If it isnt here...I wont eat it.
A very positive thing is that I eat healthy at work. With eating healthy, this will eliminate a lot of spending money that I used on fast food. Double bonus.

I also have to be more conscious about emotional eating. This started about 5 years ago. Chocolate and carbs (pasta, chips and popcorn) are a weakness. Another huge weakness is pop. I love the fizz! So Im liking club soda and lemon juice. Its all about the fizz!!!

I think that I have pretty much decided to join the YMCA. I really dont want the added expense of the gym, but the Y has so many options, gym, swim, classes etc Stace seems willing to work out with me. I need to be honest with myself. I need to do things and not make excuses. I am wondering if I should give myself one month on working out at home - with Tae Bo, Pilates and walking. Ill take walking out! Shayde needs it. Unless its raining. :)

Rodney, dont let me not walk Shayde when Im at your place!!! :)

2006-04-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

I have had ENOUGH!

I was in a clothing store (breifly) today...Im trying to find an outfit for this charity dinner coming up at the end of the month. Actually...to be honest...I have some nice clothes that I could wear, but when Rodney and I were in the mall last night...I found an awesome outfit (that I still have to try on) and that got my shopping bug started. So anyways...I was looking at a few skirts and the sales lady comes over to chat and out of NOWHERE says..."have you ever thought about being a plus size model" Talk about a piss off. What pissed me off the most was that a year and a half ago...a sales lady from back home asked me to be in her stores fashion show. It was alot of fun and I did look pretty good...but I swore to myself that I would be that size in a year. Well...guess what I AM! And that woman today reminded me of that...and I cried all the way home.
I think I have hit the wall with this issue. Im really tried of hiding. Im tired of not being confident. I miss the days with Michelle when we went out to bars (often hehe) and I would get up on the speakers, be confident and have a decent amount of men approach me. I dont want the attention from men though...I have a man..who is so damn great. And is attracted to me for what I look like now. But there are many things I shy away from and will shy away from in the future...things that I used to love doing.
I need to find a workout for me. Something I love, will stick with and will see results. I did like Curves in Pembroke. I also liked AquaFit. I have a pilates tape and a TaeBo DVD. I like having a work out buddy...and I think I need someone that will motivate me to go and not let me back out. I love working out with Stace, but she needs the same thing I do.

So...friends...I need some advice. I dont want to hear "you arent fat" STOP SAYING THAT BEN! AND JER!!!

2006-03-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

Coming on the End of March...

I really value education, knowledge, determination and self-discovery. Noone is perfect, and I certainly am not. I do, however, love to learn. I love being a university student and I find it very rewarding to be able to put the material I am learning into work in real life. The four courses that I am taking right now, I am able to apply to many real life situations. Human Anatomy and Physiology is a given, its much easier to learn new concepts when I can make associations with my own body systems. Communications: Children and the Media is a great course to apply for me, with my job with a 2 and 4 year old, loving children in general and eventually wanting to write my own children's books. Sociology of Familes has become very intriguing! From talking about the importance of self-esteem in dating, to love and marriage, I am positive that this course will open alot of doors on how to ensure I end up with not only the right man, but a positive, well-balanced relationship. My fourth course is Developmental Psychology. Facinating course for me. I am able to see a lot the girls in this course.

I find my ability to apply my education a really positive step in being a successful student in the future, a great mom and a great education facilitator. So then why is it, whenever I refer to anything I have learned to some people in my life do I get really negative responses. People roll their eyes, totally stop listening or become really defensive.

What is the point of me learning all of this knowledge is noone is ever going to take me seriously??? Im sure if I was a fourth year med student, everyone would want my opinion on things! I do not expect everyone to have the same thirst for psychology, behavior and children that I do. But I do want to surround myself with other people that share the interest in having intellectual conversations about a variety of different topics...including my studies and personal research. I find this important in friendships and any romantic relationship I might have.

And on the topic of romantic relationships...the new man that I have been seeing is still in my life and things are going very well. Im quite pleased with the connection we have. We had an amazing day on Sunday. Went for lunch, then to the conservation area with Shayde for a long walk in the forrest. It was so romantic. His digi wasnt working so we didnt get any photos...but we are going to make it a regular trip there (its relatively cheep) and tons of fun.
The last (almost) 2 months we have basically been hanging out at his place, relaxing and snuggling - and I proposed that we start getting out and doing more things, especially active things. Im trying very hard to be active for at least 20 mins a day everyday. Its relatively easy for 20 mins - so I should shoot for an hour. I should bring my rollarblades down and learn - unless I break my back learning :)

We are going to our first major outting at the end of April...and I couldnt be more thrilled. Its the annual fundraising dinner for my cousin, Dr Christine Gervais', charity - Acceso International. It will be a dressy occasion with a great dinner, entertainment and a silent auction. It is going to be very exciting!

I do hope to post more as my life gets more and more exciting!

2006-03-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

Rest in Peace Tristan Pallen.

Wednesday afternoon, Tristan Pallen passed away while being operated on. Tristan is was a nine year old little boy that I worked with for just over a year while I lived at home. His grandmother and my Nanny were great friends and Colette lives two houses down from home. It was actually through the grandmothers that I received the interview for the Special Needs Contract. What a remarkable litte boy that Tristan was. Always eager to see me and really upset when I couldnt make our twice a week visits.

It was working with him that really opened my eyes to special education. It was through working with the support network that Tristan his family had, gave me hope for shaping the future of special education and that I could be a pivitol part of not only his development, but others too. I was his special needs worker. He had many specialists including: speech, occupational therapist (that worked on fine motor skills), physical therapist(gross motor skills), teacher, teaching assistant and many doctors. My role was to get instruction from the specialists and get Tristan to the goals they set for. From the minimal examples I was given in the beginning, I started developing my own ways that were geared along the same lines. I came up with games, activities, crafts and outside fun. That little boy definitly came into my life for a reason.

When Tristan was born he had a hole in his heart. His first open heart surgery was at 11 weeks. He was featured on CHEO Tiny Hearts back when I first started working with him. I believe in total he had 3 open heart and many other heart repair surgeries in his 9 young years of life. On Wednesday, he was having his ventricles dialated and one burst...I guess that was the end. Both of his parents are very strong people. Nicole just took everything in stride and devoted her life to Tristan and his surviving twin brother, Jared. Jared is Tristan's fraternal twin, with no medical issues. If he kept with pace from when I was there, he is above average in reading and math.

Although I hadn't seen Tristan in a while, I thought of him often, gave that job as a reference and missed working with him every day. I almost didnt move to Kingston because I wanted to stay working with him.

My heart, prayers and thoughts are with the Pallen family tonight, especially Jared. He is certainly in his best form now, free from the hospitals, tests and doctors. Free from the limitations that his illness brought him.

2006-03-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

Level of Seriousness

After a short conversation with my Hunney...I came to a tough realization. Of course I know that life has changed since Nanny passed away back in December, I guess I just didnt fully realize how much of my life it affected.
In any relationship before this one...having a man meet my parents was of course a good step in the level of seriousness for me...but the be all and end all was meeting Nanny and Grandpa. I remember when Kirt and I were on our way to Lapasse for the first time together. I honestly think I was more nervous than him. Both Nanny and Grandpa were such good judge of character and both knew me so well and always knew what was good for me, whether I believed it at the time or not. :)
All of this came about because Hunney thinks meeting Mom is too soon right now. Its been a month since we met, and I guess started dating. It was obvious after the first date (that was almost 24 hours long) that we wanted to be with each other. :) :) :) He wouldnt actually be meeting Mom until the end of April at a charity function, but I needed to ask him now in order to get a ticket for him. I dont want to put a huge amount of pressure on him as that is not fair! I do think that if things continue going as well as they have been in the last month, three months would be rather appropriate.
Of course I love my Mom, hold her in very high regard and her opinion means the world to me! I almost feel guilty for Nanny and Grandpa being the be all and end all and not her and Dad. Maybe its because Mom is so nice and sweet that I dont know if she would tell me flat out if she did or didnt get a good feeling. I know Nanny would, she was the bearer of the truth, regardless of what it was! And with Grandpa, you could just tell with what he didn't say. Strong silent type.

So now, the be all and end all is gone. Who holds that power and opinion now?

Maybe I am ready to make that decision on my own now. Of course I know what I want in a man and in a relationship both now and in the future. Took a long time to learn this part of myself, but I know now, which is a great feeling!

I really wish Nanny and Grandpa could have sat in the front row of a church to watch me get married. I also wish that they could have lived to see their great grandchildren. More than anything. I know in a way they will see all of these great things that I hope are in my future, including graduation and having an exciting career in education. They wanted me to be happy, and in way I feel like they had so much faith in me and believed that I will.

I find it truly amazing that even my dating life has now changed. I guess now I just have to be confident in the values that they taught me in the last 25 years...
- never settle
- follow my dreams
- trust my intuition
- be self sufficent
- love with all of my heart
- never go to bed angry

Life certainly has changed and its amazing how much I miss Nanny and Grandpa. Pivitol people in my life are now gaurdian angels. I am truly blessed.

~A~

2006-03-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, life throws you curve balls that you cannot control, that you cannot explain or figure out what the learning experience is supposed to be. This post is going to explain why I feel very resented for becoming busy.
When I moved to Kingston, I started working at one of the local call centers (Assurant Solutions). One of the worst jobs of my life let me tell you! But I met some nice people and became quite good friends with Justin. His girlfriend had a baby - Jacob - in June and they asked me to be Jacob's Godmother. Needless to say, I was thrilled! Jacob spent a lot of time with me and when needed, I was the babysitter. For quite some time, Jacob and I were spending 2 days a week together. Simply awesome!

A few days ago, Justin told me that he wanted child care receipts for every time I babysat. Never before had he mentioned this, and obviously, I wasnt keeping track. Had I known I was claiming this minimal income, I would have recorded every day and all expenses that I incurred to ensure that Jacob was being given the optimal care he deserves!
- I bought an exosaucer, brand new from a second hand store for less than half the price
- I was regularly buying formula so they didnt have to worry about sending theirs
- I bought other little toys for him to have here
Justin became outraged when I said I wasnt going to provide him with a receipt. Saying that I was screwing him over and didnt care and tried to convince me to write him a receipt and for me not to claim it. This clearly showed me that he didn't care if I was committing fraud - he wants as much money as he can get from the government. He claims he told me from the beginning he wanted receipts, but why would I disregard that? Why would I intentionally try to "screw" a friend. I also told him that IF he had told me this, I would have asked him to take deductions off my pay. Makes sense?
Immediately he brings up that I have totally disappointed him and his girlfriend (Andrea). He brought up that I hadnt seen Jacob in a while and that any of my excuses of school work, work, dating werent good enough. He also throws in my face that one day about a month ago, he asked me to babysit, I said yes and then had to cancel because I forgot I had an appointment that I couldnt cancel but couldnt take him to. Because of that one incident, I am totally unreliable.
I countered all of this with a very important issue that had been eating me up inside for a while. When Jacob was born and before they asked me to be his Godmother, Justin and I had an agreement that I would be their babysitter. Justin took paternity leave and Andrea went back to work, but when Justin went back to work, I would be the babysitter. After I got my current job, an obstacle arose with scheduling. My current schedule is ANYTHING but consistent. I get my schedule on a monthly basis. I totally understood that this posed a problem because Justin and Andrea's schedules are very consistent. Justin posed an idea about sharing the babysitting between me and a friend of theirs, who is a stay at home mom. I thought this to be perfect! I would take the days I could and she could have the rest! Then all of a sudden, Justin tells me that that isnt what is going to happen and that he found someone else to look after Jacob for $25 a day. The decision was based soley on money. My initial rate was $50 for a full day and $35 for a half day. Justin agreed to this rate from the very beginning.
I consider myself to be very understanding, giving and rational.
If at ANY time...Justin came to me and said..."you looking after Jacob is very important to us, but we are just having a hard time with the money" I would have dropped the rate to whatever they needed. If I could babysit him reglulary for free...I would.
I was heartbroken. Not only did they not consider my feelings but they also didnt approach me to see if I would lower my cost. It is very true that I dont have to agree with their decisions, that I just have to respect them...but I took this very personally. But I kept my mouth shut in hopes that they would change their minds.

Everything completely blew up between Justin and I. We aren't speaking anymore and I am assuming that I am no longer a Godmother. This is such a huge slash to my heart and soul. I am still very upset over this, despite the rationality that I dont think Justin or Andrea really cared about me. I feel totally used. I did a lot for them and for Jacob. I dont want recognition...I just need to reinforce how much that little boy meant to me. Justin totally thinks I'm lying because I let other things come before seeing Jacob on a regular basis.

I tried outlining the last three months of my life but he didnt see any of the reasons as viable.
- Nanny passed away on December 5th. I was in Kingston for at the most 8 days and saw Jacob twice. December 2005 will remain the hardest month of my life. Christmas was emotional and I needed to be with my mom and sister as much as possible. (according to Justin - didnt matter)
- In Janurary I started 4 upper year university courses. (according to Justin - school isnt as important)
- I was dating a man in Ottawa from for 2 months. December until mid/late January. (according to Justin - any free time should be with them and not spent driving to and from Ottawa)
- I worked 15 days straight in January. And I think in total I worked 26 out of 31 days for the Kims. (according to Justin - I dont understand sacrifice)
- I also made a committment to myself on Decemeber 31st. That a lot of things would change in 2006. For the last few years, I put a few family members needs before my own. I do NOT regret moving back home at all. I do not regret the time I lost in university to spend as much time with Nanny and help take care of her. I also do not regret the time I invested in my uncle Terry or the voice I gave the family when we (mainly my Mom and Nanny) needed it. Now, I truly and whole heartedly feel that I deserve to make myself a priority. That my need and desire for education and success is very important. I tried to explain this to Justin. And he told me that I would never be a good mother if I always put myself first.

How could anyone be so wrong about me?

2006-02-27T16:43:00.001-08:00

2006 is going to bring a lot of changes to this life of Amanda Elizabeth!

So I am hoping that certain friends start to get into the groove of this.

I have also started one of my goals - knitting! Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas next year!!! hehehhehe Im so excited! I have only been working on one project...but I know this is going to be addicting! Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas this year :)

One of the biggest changes that people will see is that 2006 is for me. I took a big breath of fresh air this morning when I was out with Shayde. Life has changed. New outlook. I am becoming more spiritual...I can tell in my thinking and writing. I
Change does scare me...especially with all of my new outlooks and approaches. But...my old ones werent working in the past. I was existing and not living.

It is sad to say...but some people that were in my life, and rather significant parts of my life...couldnt seem to handle this. I really cannot imagine someone claiming to a true friend but being upset when my life gets busy...ok ok...rather hectic because I am making changes, pursing my goals and working on me. I am sure that all of my friends would like to see more of me...hell, Id do anything for all of us to live in the same city, around the block and all work the same shifts. But that isnt life.

So as of today....
I am working for a wonderful family as their Nanny. The two girls are awesome! The girls are 2 and 4. We are super busy when Im there. Between gym, playgroups, skating, exploring, crafts. Its too much fun!

I am also working on FOUR courses:
-Human Anatomy and Physiology
-Sociology of Families
-Children and the Media
-Developmental Psychology

I am also enrolled in the First Aid and CPR Intructors Course. I really want to take this...but there are some problems. Two women that my boss, Mary, knows are interested in me doing some Nanny work for them. One woman is for sure, starting in April for one day a week - and the child is an infant. But this one is only temporary as the family is moving to Ottawa in July. Cant say no to that one! The other woman has two children - 3 and almost a year. I know I cant do it all. I am thinking of withdrawing from the Intructors course and being put on the list for the next one.

I have also been dating...but I wont be saying too much about my dating life on here yet. Sorry!

Hopefully that brings you up to speed. I also hope that everyone posts and creates their own journal/blog!!!

~A~